Wheels Up!

Stop the world. Let me off. It’s moving too fast. In fact, it’s leaving me behind. Because…well, see this little stinker who was roaming the pumpkin patch just last week….

She must have kissed a frog because she turned into a princess overnight.
A princess in Chuck Taylor high tops and jeans. And now she’s done gone and gotten her driver’s license. After six months of logging practice hours and causing my backside to pucker and my hands to grip the dash, she took the test. THE test. TODAY. And passed.

This was one of the biggest days of her life. And it’s one of the biggest days of mine because now I have to turn loose of this death grip I have on her leg and let her go out into the dangerous world of driving where people go too fast and run over you. Gulp. I’m terrified.

Seriously, this is scarier than the Big Ass Chair.

It Simply Cannot be August Already

Whew! Is it nap time yet? No? Shoot. I was so looking forward to it. I figure you know you’re finally an adult when you WANT to take naps again. If I don’t get a nap soon somebody’s going to have to shove a cart under my butt and push it around ‘cause the cheeks are draggin’ baby. They’re draggin’ so low, they’re chapped. It’s been another whirlwind week around here, and it’s a good thing I don’t have to work tomorrow because I’m in desperate need of a day off. Some highlights:

-It’s been so crazy lately, I did not realize until Monday that the Buffett concert is almost here. One week from today, friends and countrymen, I will be swingin’ my grass skirt on the banks of the Ohio River in Cincinnati to the tunes of Jimmy with about 22,000 other Parrot Heads phlocking together for phabulous phun. The tailgating party on Kellogg Avenue will be large and loud and is sure to produce some interesting pictures. It always does. After all, Cincinnati is Parrot Head Central. Also, we are staying at a hotel where hundreds of Parrot Heads have been known to tailgate. I’m in desperate need of some Margaritaville, so this little retreat comes at a welcome time.

I have a new addition to my costume this year. Aren’t these darling dahling?I bought them last Halloween and tucked them away for our annual Buffett road trip. How blessed we are to live in a country where they sell sunglasses shaped like martini glasses and no one arrests you for wearing them.

-Teen Angel has logged the required driving time in order to take her driver’s license test. She is scheduled to take is August 12th. That’s the day I’ve scheduled my nervous breakdown. I am so not ready for this.
-I put my underwear on wrong side out yesterday. AGAIN! That’s the fourth time in about a year. The really bad part is that it took me half the day to discover I’d done it. By the time I’m eighty, I’ll be forgetting to put my clothes on before I walk out the door.
-The dog and cat have reached somewhat of an uneasy truce. Sabrina doesn’t hit Jack in the nose if Jack doesn’t try to eat her food. They are now able to sit within three feet of each other. They still give each other the stink eye, but at least they’re not chewing on each other.
-Hubby and I are going to have to emotionally detach from our home during this selling process. The first lookers came over last night to check it out, and I felt so sensitive about it. After they left, I was all, “How could they not like the dressing room?” They were very kind, but I can tell this is not going to be easy.
-Remember when I told you about the overweight man I’ve seen jogging for months and how he started out walking and progressively got faster and skinnier? I said I’d like to stop him and congratulate him one day even though I don’t know him. Well, I got my chance. Hubby and I sat down at a restaurant the other night, and lo and behold, he was at the table next to us with his family. We introduced ourselves and had a nice little chat. He’s lost fifty pounds and runs seven miles day, four days a week. He, his wife and son were lovely people and we had a great time meeting them. I’m so glad I finally got to meet him, and it happened by accident. How cool is that?
-And somebody stand by with the paddles. Any moment now I should get a call from the flooring guy with an estimate on the cost of the hardwood for the new house. It should be good for a class A coronary or at least a few gray hairs. I’m gonna need some hair dye before this is all over.

Fun Monday-Easter Baskets

Our sweet Fun Monday hostess with the mostess this week is jMo at Wisconsin Candy who wants to know what we would like in our Easter basket:

The topic is Easter Baskets: Share a story, is it better to give or to receive, what would you like in yours?

Let me tell ya', I'm all over the Easter basket thing. I love a good Easter basket. I have great memories of childhood Easters, especially those annual egg hunts at church when we would scatter all over the grounds scrambling after brightly colored marshmallow eggs. I was always the child who wanted the WHITE chocolate lamb, which was not an easy thing to come by back in...well, never mind. Let's just say it was before white chocolate was plentiful. I could make that lamb last for days, sometimes weeks, while my brothers gobbled theirs up right away. (Psst. I was the annoying kid who still had Halloween candy stashed away at Christmas.) For this assignment, I started to list all of the candies I would like in my basket today. Then I remembered the three hours I spent in the car with my sixteen year old this weekend giving her driving lessons and thought I should ask for something other than candy in my basket. After all, we have at least three more months of practice driving before her test.

I'd like a thick soled shoe to stand up to all of those times I spend mashing my right foot into the imaginary brake pedal on the passenger side of the car.And an elbow pad for when I press my elbow into the door, trying to push us away from the edge of the road where there is no shoulder.A helmet would help for when I'm pounding my head against the dash, saying, "How many times do I have to tell you?And duct tape for my mouth to keep me from saying, "How many times do I have to tell you?" And to keep her from saying, "I know, I know!"

Let's top it off with a Humvee. That way when we veer across the center line, we'll have some protection from the oncoming traffic.

Oh, and a little white chocolate to sooth my clinched up stomach upon our return from each lesson.

It's a good thing I can hoard my holiday candy. I see a lot of chocolate in my future between now and and Independence Day.

*Images courtesy of: shoes.com, bulletproofme.com, injurysupplies.com, armyrecgonition.com and mackenzieschocolates.com.

At A Cross Road

Sometimes you’re just bumping along through the day when you see something that stops you in your tracks and stays on your mind for the rest of the day. An image that’s so powerful it pushes itself to the front of the line every time you try to put your thoughts in order. An image that provokes emotion against your will. An image that steals your focus all day long.

I was tooling along a two lane road, headed to a small store way out in the country. This store is apparently the only place in this area that still has in stock the item I need for a work project. Thank goodness for the little man who manages to hold his own against the big boxes. He always has what you need when the retail giants don’t. Despite the bitter temperatures, I was enjoying a break from the office and a drive in the country. The sun was bright, and the radio tunes were peppy. I was smiling at the wide array of garden statues in one yard and thinking perhaps zoning isn’t always such a bad thing when I saw something just ahead. Two “somethings” actually. Two crosses sitting next to each other in the middle of a front yard. A tall flagpole stood behind them, and while I went by them too fast to get a good look at them, I sensed they had a somber purpose. They didn’t seem to be like those crosses you see along the road where someone died in a car wreck. They seemed different. I made a mental note to slow down on the return trip and take a closer look.

Both were the same size and bore separate names; names of soldiers. One was a sergeant, the other was a private. One cross was lettered in red paint, the other in black. They were surrounded by small flags and flanked by a large white star on a nearby wall of the house. The flagpole held a large American flag and a state flag. There was a lot of red, white and blue in that yard. I’m guessing those crosses represent soldiers serving in the war in Iraq or possibly Afghanistan…somewhere in harm’s way. Perhaps they even represent a soldier killed or wounded. Even though the radio was blaring Kelly Clarkson, it suddenly seemed very quiet. Those four sticks of wood had my full attention..for longer than I realized because it eventually dawned on me I was stopped in the road and just staring at those two crosses. I felt compelled to stay but knew I had to keep moving. I drove off wanting to know more.

Who were these soldiers? Were they siblings? Who erected the crosses? A mother? A father? A friend? Within the walls of that house was there a mother waiting on a son or daughter to come home from a strange land? Does she jump when the phone rings or stop often throughout the day to say a quick prayer for her child’s safety? Does she turn the TV on out of curiosity and then turn it off because of fear? Does her heart break for the other mothers in her same position? Who raises the flag in that front yard? Is it a father whose heart bursts with pride but aches with fear? Is he sad that war did not skip his child’s generation? Do debates over the war make him angry or just tired?

The debates make me angry AND tired. I’ve been mad about the war for so long, I had to quit following much news coverage of it. Every time I started talking about it I got mad..and loud…and started annoying everyone around me, so I tried not to think about it much. And I didn’t. For months I managed to push it out of my mind….until my drive past that house. But instead of getting mad, I simply felt…hmm…what’s the word I’m looking for? Small? Irresponsible? Yes, that’s it. Irresponsible for forgetting that I should always care because the folks affected by war are my neighbors and friends. Sprinkled throughout my community are people whose yards, doors and cars bear ribbons and other visual reminders to me and everyone else that this war affects real people. It’s not a faceless news story from which I can detach myself. The crosses by the road put me at a cross road. I will see them when I go to sleep tonight. I will probably see them a few months from now. I wish they didn't have to be there.

Driving Me Crazy

If I ever strike it rich I’m going to hire someone to drive me around. My anxiety level would be much lower if I didn’t have to worry about the craziness that comes with driving these days. Is it just me or did people used to be more careful and considerate when driving? Today it seems as if everyone is in such a hurry to get to the next stop that a drive across town is a like a high speed, bumper pushing Nascar event. I expect it in larger cities but not in my small town. Sometimes I’m just grateful to be alive after my 18 minute commute to work. Here are the top ten things that make me crazy about that short drive.

10. The Make-up Artist-I see her almost every morning. She doesn’t see me because she’s too busy finishing her beauty routine. Sweetheart, if you didn’t get it done before you left the house, forget about it ‘til you get to work. You cannot curl and lengthen both eyelashes during one stoplight.

9. Nose picker-Stop it! People can see you. I see you, regularly. You may be alone in your car, but the whole world is watching while you dig for gold. YOU-ARE-GROSS.

8. The tailgater-This guy runs the same stretch of highway I do every morning and consistently rides the bumper of several people during his dash across town. He’s done it to me, and I’ve seriously considered throwing on my brakes and letting him buy the back of my car. If I knew I wouldn’t get hurt, I would. Being the safety bug I am, I will just continue to seethe quietly instead. Well, maybe with hand gestures.

7. On The Blink-Did they take the turn signals out of some cars and not tell me? Because it seems as if some folks don’t have any. Tip: Making a left turn in front of me quickly without a signal is a good way to get run over. Or at least make me spill the contents of my lunch bag all over the front of the floorboard.

6. Putting on the Brakes- I hate it when folks putter 20 miles an hour in front of me and then slam on their brakes to make a turn. No matter how slow I’m going I will give myself whiplash trying to stop on a dime.

5. Disappearing Detour-We have a major road construction project about a mile from my house, and it affects three separate roads. I know it’s there. I know to expect a detour. I just don’t know from hour to hour where that detour is going to be. It moves frequently throughout the day. It’s probably not their fault, but I wish the construction folks could pick a detour and stay with it for a day or two.

4. Crappy Radio-I’m not too choosy about my music in the morning, but it seems there is nothing good on the radio at that time. I don’t need a lot of talk. I don’t need a bunch of commercials, and my ears aren’t ready for Kanye West at 6:30am. Just give me a little Steve Wonder or Marvin Gaye to start my day, Mr. Deejay. I know you have it. You play it later in the day when I’m at work and can’t listen to the radio.

3. Yellow Light Racers-I don’t know how many times I’ve almost been run over by someone racing through a red light at a high rate of speed because they thought they could beat it before it turned to red. Speed racers-saving yourself thirty seconds is not worth risking my life. If you’re doing it just because you like to go fast, let me know. I can hook you up with someone at the local racetrack who can give you a safe place to risk your own neck.

2. Cell Phone Hogs-Every day I am surrounded by folks trying to talk on the cell phone and drive in busy traffic at the same time. You’ve seen them. You’ve probably almost been run over by them. And I’ll bet if you were to take a poll of those folks, most would have to admit that the majority of their car calls are not that important. I say we ban cell phones from cars and that way I don’t have to answer mine whenever someone is calling to ask me what I’m cooking for supper or if I’ll pick up some Kraft Macaroni and Cheese at the Dollar Store.

1. This is the granddaddy of them all….the one that makes me absolutely insane…the thing that makes me swear like a sailor at strangers…the thing that makes me pull out fist fulls of hair…HOGGING THE LEFT LANE. Ooooh! I can’t stand it. If you are not passing or making a left turn soon, get out of the left lane, especially if you are driving way below the speed limit. Some of us would like to pass. Some of us are going the speed limit and would like to get around those of you who are driving 20 miles an hour in the 60 mph zone. No doubt, you are the same folks who park their cart in the middle of the aisle at Wal-Mart and hold up traffic in the bread aisle. Please, please get out of the way. I beg of you. You are plugging up traffic and making me cranky. Then I become that loud mouthing, swearing, angry driver that the rest of you hate.