'Tis the Season

Here ye, here ye! The lady from the fine pollen and mold laden state of Kentucky would like to declare the following:

Whereas: The eye boogers have begun to develop in the inside corners of my eyes, making it nearly impossible to open them without a warm rag at the unholy hour of 5:30am.

And whereas: The timpani section of the Boston Pops Orchestra has set up a pounding residence inside my head for the next six months much like the Minnesota snowbirds’ trek to Florida.

And whereas: The uncontrollable high speed drip out of my nostrils (always the left first) has reached DEFCON 4 stage requiring a tissue at all times.

And whereas: The chapping of the skin between my nostrils and my upper lip has reached a shade similar to OPI’s Pinking of You.

And whereas: A cappuccino with two Splenda’s, one creamer and a shot of amaretto syrup is necessary to scrape off the layer of crud that accumulates in my throat overnight and gives me that smoky Lauren Bacall voice .

And whereas: A stiff shot of whiskey becomes necessary if the crud hasn’t dissipated by 7pm.

And whereas: I cannot leave the house for even a trip to the Piggly Wiggly without a box of Puffs Plus With Lotion, a half dozen Ricola cough drops and two, count ‘em two kinds of sinus medicine (drowsy and non drowsy).

And whereas: Bending over to tie my shoes brings on a dizzy spell that rivals anything consumed by the Grateful Dead.

And whereas: My cheeks feel like they went ten rounds with George Foreman’s fists.

And whereas: My taste buds go on vacation until the spring thaw and the only thing that tastes good is Chinese hot mustard because it opens up my head thank you Jesus I’ll never sin again if you just let one nostril stay clear.

Let me hereby declare on this seventeenth day of November in the year of our Lord 2008 that allergy and sinus season is in full bloom! (To be followed shortly by sinus infection/bronchitis season.) Boo-yah!

"List"less

I'm not really very good about making new year's resolutions. I just get a whim to do something at some point in the year and try to be disciplined enough to make it happen. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. I'm an all or nothing gal. Either I throw my whole being into something or I leave it untouched. Frankly, on this last day of vacation I don't feel like touching anything. I had to peel myself out of the recliner just to type this. If lazy were a sport, I would have won a gold medal by lunchtime today. Tomorrow it's back to the grindstone and no more slacking off about important things like nutrition, laundry and hygiene. Shucks, I'll even have to put on real clothes tomorrow.

I have some general goals for the year like taking good care of myself and increasing my mileage when I run. It seems kind of silly to write those down. However, I do have a lot of little things I've been putting off that I should resolve to take care of this year. Those will require some diligence because they are all things I'd rather not do. Most of them involve cleaning. Blech. You know how I excel at that. (Insert insane laughter here.) I've put this stuff off long enough, so I suppose I should put on my big girl britches and get cracken' on it. I'm making a list, so I won't forget any of this stuff. Strap on your seatbelt, and here we go.

1. Clean out my sock drawer and throw away anything with holes, stains and lack of a mate. Anything bought before 1993 should go. The sixteen pair of tights in multiple colors should go. After all, winter walking shorts went out of style several years ago.
2. Figure out how to use the new vaccum cleaner.
3. Use the new vaccum cleaner.
4. Get rid of the colony of dust bunnies that have built condos under our bed.
5. Clean out my underwear drawer. Throw out anything that is ripped, stretched or faded. Anything bought before 1993 should go. Okay, 1992. That was the year I got the great deal on the Jockey three pack of briefs at J.C. Penney's.
6. Buy some pretty underwear, not the Hanes cotton value pack I've been married to for the last ten years.
7. Clean out the three junk drawers in the kitchen. REALLY clean them, not just shuffle the stuff around.
8. Wash the curtains in the bathroom since the dust is making them look mauve instead of red.
9. Clean out my shoe cubicle in the dressing room. Get rid of anything that pinches, squeezes, squeaks or slips. If they haven't been worn in two years they should go. This includes the twenty pair of flip-flops crammed in various corners.
10. On a day when I'm feeling very brave....clean out the drawer in the bathroom vanity. It will take me until October to work up the courage for that one.

I'll stop now. It's making me stressed just thinking about all of the cleaning on that list. I wouldn't want to wipe out the effects of my vacation. I'll go rest now and get started on that list tomorrow....Friday at the latest. Or maybe Monday.