Here ye, here ye! The lady from the fine pollen and mold laden state of Kentucky would like to declare the following:
Whereas: The eye boogers have begun to develop in the inside corners of my eyes, making it nearly impossible to open them without a warm rag at the unholy hour of 5:30am.
And whereas: The timpani section of the Boston Pops Orchestra has set up a pounding residence inside my head for the next six months much like the Minnesota snowbirds’ trek to Florida.
And whereas: The uncontrollable high speed drip out of my nostrils (always the left first) has reached DEFCON 4 stage requiring a tissue at all times.
And whereas: The chapping of the skin between my nostrils and my upper lip has reached a shade similar to OPI’s Pinking of You.
And whereas: A cappuccino with two Splenda’s, one creamer and a shot of amaretto syrup is necessary to scrape off the layer of crud that accumulates in my throat overnight and gives me that smoky Lauren Bacall voice .
And whereas: A stiff shot of whiskey becomes necessary if the crud hasn’t dissipated by 7pm.
And whereas: I cannot leave the house for even a trip to the Piggly Wiggly without a box of Puffs Plus With Lotion, a half dozen Ricola cough drops and two, count ‘em two kinds of sinus medicine (drowsy and non drowsy).
And whereas: Bending over to tie my shoes brings on a dizzy spell that rivals anything consumed by the Grateful Dead.
And whereas: My cheeks feel like they went ten rounds with George Foreman’s fists.
And whereas: My taste buds go on vacation until the spring thaw and the only thing that tastes good is Chinese hot mustard because it opens up my head thank you Jesus I’ll never sin again if you just let one nostril stay clear.
Let me hereby declare on this seventeenth day of November in the year of our Lord 2008 that allergy and sinus season is in full bloom! (To be followed shortly by sinus infection/bronchitis season.) Boo-yah!
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