Thursday, September 24, 2009

Almost an Ordinary Day

An interesting thing happened yesterday. The ninth anniversary of my nephew’s death passed, and I almost missed it. I rushed through the day without realizing the significance of the date until I got home around 5pm and saw a small group of balloons in the garage. Every year on the anniversary of Chance’s death, we release a few balloons and watch them sail over the tree tops and out of sight, marveling at how high and far they go.

In past years, I’ve awakened on September 23rd to immediate thoughts of Chance. I always wonder what he would look like now and what he’d be doing. He would be 22 years old now and I suspect he would have made a fine young man. He likely would have graduated from college and found his first engineering job. Or would have run off with a rock and roll band as a roadie. We’ll never know for sure, but it’s nice to imagine what might have been, and for the past nine years I’ve spent a fair amount of time on September 23rd thinking about what might have been. Yesterday, for the first time ever, I didn’t. I almost missed it. I almost let the day slip away without remembering what day it was.

For a brief moment I felt a pang of guilt and worried that I was starting to forget him. Sometimes now, it’s a little hard to remember what his voice sounded like, and that bothers me. I brushed away the worry though because in my heart I know I haven’t forgotten. The joy that I gained from knowing him, and the life lessons I learned from his passing are always with me. I live each day with the knowledge that life is short, and we don’t have much time to make the most of it. That we should live without fear because some things are worse than failing. Whenever I do something adventurous or courageous I think of him. And I smile.

I think my forgetfulness yesterday was a just a sign of healing. My memories are tied less to the horror of the day he drowned and more to the love that we shared. I carry him in my heart every day, not just a single day in September, so yesterday was just another day. And that my friends, is a good thing.
Chance 1997


oreneta said...

I am left a little stumped for what to say. The death of a child is always difficult, even years later....but it also seems good that you're way of thinking about it is altering with time.

karisma said...

Sweet blessings! Child spirits will always keep us on our toes! No forgetting! He does not mind what day you remember as long as you keep him in your heart! Its pretty obvious that you do! And oh how sweet he shares this day with the birth of my nephew! What a special day!

Big big hugs and smoochies! You are such a beautiful soul, just you as our are! Don't you go changing anything! Much love, xxxoooxxx

Remember...time heals and the living must live.. that does not mean we forget, just that we are living! He will always be in your heart and soul! xxooxox

Gin said...

This is beautiful. He was beautiful and your memory of him is as well.

Janis said...

The memory of Chance will always be in your heart. To remember the good times with him can give you peace.

Swampy said...