Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Aunt Flow Has Left The Building

And I don’t care if she never comes back. It is official. My doctor confirmed today what I’ve suspected for a while. I am in menopause. And that thud you heard was my pride hitting the floor. Or my sagging butt. For a decade I’ve labored under the delusion that everyone but me was getting older. I’d see a childhood classmate and think, “Wow, he’s really been living hard,” or “What happened to her?” never seeing in the mirror what they see when they look at me. Heck, I’m no spring chicken either. I have my fair share of wrinkles and rubbery skin. Today’s diagnosis, delivered with a comforting smile and a discussion about hormones, smacked me in the forehead. I can no longer deny the truth. I AM going to get old. In fact, on the ladder of aging, I’ve climbed more than half the rungs. As my Aunt Annabelle once said during a disappointing moment, “S**t, s**t, s**t!

Oh, I could pretend I don’t mind aging and throw out all kinds of pearls about how age brings wisdom and wrinkles only go where the smiles have been, but the truth is I’m just vain enough to mourn the loss of my youth and my perky boobs. I do NOT mourn the loss of my period. (And THAT sound was the male readers clicking away to another site, any site that doesn’t talk about menstruation. Sorry guys.) I’m actually pretty excited about Aunt Flow’s disappearance. She’s been a pain in my backside (snort) for years. That news didn’t bother me because of the obvious perk. The news that did was that because of my hormonal changes I need a bone density test. Bone density test?! Isn’t that for women my mother’s age? Why no, Hula. Now’s the time for you to do this because you are a prime candidate for osteoporosis, bony girl. I got the calcium talk, too. Oh, and I need another mammogram. I made an appointment for both tests later this month, so I’ll get squeezed and radiated all on the same day. Can you see the sunbeams of happiness radiating out of my butt?

It was actually my second smack on the forehead in the last week. I went to the dentist last week because of a hot cold sensitivity thing going on in the back on my mouth, and he handed me this.“Noooo, not the Sensodyne,” I groaned. “That’s for people who are getting older.” My dentist, who is my age, thought it was quite funny and suggested we compare knee and foot problems. Which brings me this.
If the foot doctor recommends these on my next visit, I’m outa there. I’ll be off to some breezy Caribbean island where I can go barefoot and I won’t notice these hot flashes.

10 comments:

J.G. said...

I'm with you, sister! It isn't so much the chronological number, it's the results that bug me (spare tire tendency, creaky joints, etc.).

Trailboss said...

I feel you pain dahlink. My aunt left 4 years ago and I don't miss her at all. So much to look forward to, hot flashes, mood swings, etc. Why, I had a breakdown just last night for no reason at all. Joe stood in front of my w/his arms open. As he hugged me he said "I wish I could help".....I said "ok, YOU do the menopause thing!" He told me he wished he could. I don't believe him though! lol Hang in there. If you are having hot flashes let me know and I'll let you know what I take to keep mine in check. It really works!

Janis said...

Welcome to reality!! My Aunt left me going on 8 years now. Did the hormones for about 6 months, developed a suspicious growth in my breast, stopped taking the hormones and it disapeared. The thing I mourned the most was..I no longer can stand to wear turtlenecks and bulky fuzzy sweathers. I learned to dress in layers, eat healthy..lots of fiber and daily excercise (this is vital). Oh and heres the best tip of all...try not to look in the mirror too much..hehe, this really works! Growing old gracefully is hard work. Good luck!

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

If it makes you feel any better, I'm in my late 30's (I know. Hush up.), and I've started the pre-menopause stage. My grandma, mother and aunts were all done by 41.

Speaking of which, I don't know if I'll ever be able to say I'm in my 40's. Never. Ever. Ever.

Mia said...

My aunt left 3 years ago after being forced to leave! Don't miss her not one little bit. I don't take hormones because they scare me more than all the hot flashes,crying jags,b*tchy fits and unreasonable sentimentality bouts put together!! Girl I wish I was in as good condition as you!! You look F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S!!

Rink's Ramblings said...

If the hubby really loved you he'll do what I did when the Czarina started suffering from the hot flashes. I bought her a remote control fan that she could start from the comfort of her bed at night when the need arises.

Cruise Mom said...

Aunt is still hanging around here.... but.... I have all these new 'relatives' too. What my daughter calls my wings, this nice little beer gut (and I don't drink beer), skin tags (can you cut these things off), cellulite (oh is that ever attractive) - I think I'm going to pretend I'm in mourning and cover all the mirrors, heck, all the reflective surfaces in my house in black cloth!

Susan DeAngelis said...

I am so with you too! Aunt Flo still is stopping by, but I feel the mood swings a comin'.

I'm 46 and her montly visits are getting more violent yet briefer.

Thanks for the inspiring post,
Hugs,
Sue

Life is good! said...

darn! i was hoping i was next in line for aunt flow to neglect, she loves me way to much and i am 51! now you can enjoy spending money on sensodine instead of tampons! lucky lucky you!

Swampy said...

I've come to refer to them as Power Surges...they came to me 17 years ago and have been with me daily and nightly ever since. Just wish they would burn up calories.