Monday, May 17, 2010

Snake in the yard! SNAKE IN THE YARD!!!!!

Heavens to Betsy, there was a snake in the yard Thursday night. Right by the house. It was kind of small too, which means it likely has siblings slithering around out there. (Insert shiver here.) We’ve been tip-toeing around the yard since then, looking for whatever hole it may have crawled out of. Hubby thinks he may have found the hole, and it’s about three feet away from our bedroom wall. Aw snap, now I’m going to have to move. And I’m only slightly exaggerating when I say that.

The Hula-gen’s are not snake fans. I’m scared to death of them, and believe it or not, Hubby’s even worse. He may be 6’4” and built like a linebacker, but he runs like Usain Bolt when he stumbles on a snake. I was cooking dinner one afternoon early in our marriage, when Hubby came running into the house with a terrified look on his face and running back out with his Dirty Harry .44. Next thing you know I heard six shots in rapid succession. If you’ve ever heard a .44 go off you know it sounds like a cannon. I secured Teen Angel in her crib and ran outside, expecting to find a masked intruder with our valuables in his hand. All I found was Hubby standing over a wad of mangled up unidentifiable flesh. He looked at me and said, “THAT was a BIG *%&$@# snake!”

There had been no go ahead punk make my day ultimatum. He had just fired until there was nothing left. And may I remind you this is a man who was licensed to shoot at criminals at the time and was certified at the shooting range yearly. When confronted with a four foot long snake, he forgot all of that training and just fired like a wild man until he ran out of ammunition.

The snake Thursday night did not go before the firing squad. He got the hoe. He wasn’t big enough to require a bullet. He was actually alive when I got home from work. Hubby had captured him in a bucket after practically stepping on him. In flip flops. The little sucker struck at him, so Hubby scooped him up with a stick and into solitary confinement until we could identify him as poisonous or nonpoisonous and make a decision about his fate. For a brief time we considered turning him loose into the woods behind the house where lots of other slithery things likely reside, but then our neighbor declared him to be a pygmy rattler, and the death penalty was declared. There was no appeal. Just like Texas, baby. Straight to the hoe.

Now before all you do gooder reptile lovin’ nature folks shower me with your blah, blah snakes are an important part of the food chain and they eat rodents arguments, let me stop you right here. See my hands over my ears? La, la, la, la, la. I don’t want to hear it. I know they are an important part of the food chain. And I am well aware that I have a phobia regarding snakes. An intense phobia.

I have tried over the years to rid myself of it. I held a boa constrictor in fourth grade. I forced myself to stare at pictures of them in the Encyclopedia. I went inside the reptile house every time we went to a zoo. In fact, the Cincinnati Zoo is where I literally bumped into a man who apparently had the same phobia because he jumped even higher than I did when we brushed shoulders. I totally enjoyed the turn of the century architecture at the St. Louis Zoo’s reptile house. And loved the colorful frogs and the playful turtles. The snakes? Made me want to run for the door.

I am 40-something years old, and I am tired of fighting this fear, so I’m just going with it. I have given up. I don’t care anymore. I am embracing the snake phobia. I am declaring that the only good snake is a dead snake. I don’t care if they eat rats. I don’t care if they’re nonpoisonous. I will jump when I see them. I may even scream, and I won’t be embarrassed about it. Any snake that comes into my yard is a goner. Swift and sure execution. No jury of his peers. No trial. Just a ruling by the hangin’ judge who goes by the name of Hula. It’s either that or move to a new house, and frankly I have spent way too much on that new tiled shower to leave. Besides, I don’t think we’d find another living room that could accommodate Hubby’s Big Arse Chair.


Janis said...

Yep...I agree..a good snake is a dead one! My son in law breeds ball pythons...ewwwww..he sells them and makes good money..just cant see having a snake for a pet..some people love them!

J.G. said...

I don't care for the poisonous ones, but am willing to give the harmless ones a bye. They are good for keeping the rats away. :-)

Have you considered making MORE noise around the yard, so they can slide away when they hear you coming? It will save wear and tear on the neighbors' nerves (gun) and your rotator cuff (hoe).

Rink's Ramblings said...

You wouldn't enjoy running in Florida. You have to keep a wary eye out on the asphalt trails in the evening for snakes sunning themselves. I jump a foot in the air every time I see one. Once a cyclist warned me of a huge water moccasin about 100 yards ahead and I still jumped. Damn thing was taking up half the trail!

Jason, as himself said...

I agree. They give me the creeps!

The Church Lady said...

Snakes never bothered me (much). We had a humungous one in our yard a few years back. I'll bet it was a good 15 feet long. Corn snake, I think. We got some good video coverage and I haven't seen he/she since. My FIL actually picked it up and swung it around like a rope! Anyhow, I prefer NOT to cross paths with one in the wild, but in my opinion, they are intriguing creatures.

Trailboss said...

I was bitten by a copperhead at our cabin at Ky lake when I was 5. Need I say more about MY fear? Joe is as bad as me when it comes to snakes. Sophie found a baby 2 yrs ago under our computer desk. She played with it and of course it eventually died. I agree with your motto....the only good snake is a dead one.

Alumni Sundays said...

I used to have a pet snake...I love them. However, I don't get all crazy when people freak out about them. It's your yard, kill it ya want. The snake in your yards not doing anything about the rats in mine, so have at That all being said, I did a study in college on people's irrational fears of snakes. Interestingly enough, a lot of it comes from our religious upbringings and Satan coming in the form of a snake. Have fun freakin out the rest of your life now that you've given up hope of overcoming your!