Pet Peeve #378

Calling the satellite TV company. Because life is too short to spend it on the phone with tech support plucking my eyebrows out one hair at a time and trying not to scream obscenities at the condescending man on the other end of the phone. Seriously, there is nothing other than car trouble that makes me go from zero to CRANKY any quicker than dealing with the blue screen of death on my TV. It makes me long for the days of my youth when we had only three channels, and the remote was me after my father said, “Hey, get up and change the channel.” This was usually followed by me asking, “Why?” and him saying, “Because I said so.” And since that was during the Wonder Years when you did what your parents said out of fear of wearing your butt for a hat, you got up and changed the channel from Maude to UHF wrestling without ever having to worry about things like modes or a tangle of red, yellow and white connectors. Watching television has become way too complicated for me in recent years, and I hate it when it goes awry.

I am the electronics technician at our house. My husband knows nothing about electronics. He literally visits four sites on the internet, and all of those have shortcuts on his desktop. He only discovered the joys of Craigs List two weeks ago and has managed to show me every item for sale in a twelve county area. One. At. A. Time. Lord help us if I get hit by a bus and he has to work our online bill payments, and his knowledge of the inner knowledge of anything computer or satellite related could fit in a thimble. But don’t tell him that because he kinda thinks otherwise. Oy, the issues that caused in our marriage.

His role in setting up television service at our new house was calling Dish Network and telling them he wanted something that included all of the HBO channels. As any of you with satellite television know, you have to spend a lot of time on your own trying to figure out the system before you can convince a technician to come to your house to help you. After days of frustration, we ended up calling a neighbor who used to work for Dish and paying him $100 to straighten out the four TV’s in our house and hooking up the DVD player. There is one glitch. The remote for Teen Angel’s TV still turns the channels in the exercise room too, so she and I duke it out with our remotes on the rare rainy Saturday that I’m on the treadmill and she’s home. We can deal with that though.

Because I spent thirteen years working in television news, I am apparently the most qualified person in our house to deal with technical difficulties relating to the TV. I won that job by default, only I never applied for it. And I didn’t work in the ENGINEERING part of the TV station; I worked in the NEWS department. That means the only thing I know about restoring service is turning off the receiver, counting to ten and then turning it back on. However, I can write you a two minute story on the dangers of satellite TV and what you need to know to protect your family from them. Complete with web links.

I tried the whole turning the receiver off and back on thing four times before calling Dish the other night because I knew that was the first thing tech support was going to advise me to do. I tried a couple of other tricks too, to no avail. I finally gave up, called and started praying for patience as soon as the phone started ringing. Over the past year, I’ve figured out how to maneuver past the voicemail options that require you to talk to the system as if you’re talking to a real human. Who cannot hear you clearly or understand English. After shouting loudly and slowly, “Watson, come to my office,” I got a nice lady on the line who ran through the usual paces and bumped me up to “Advanced Tech Support”, which I think translates into, “Woo, lady, I’ve done all I can do for you.”

To make a long story short, I spent another fifteen minutes on the phone with a guy who directed me to stand on my head, hold my tongue just right and clap my hands until the signal returned. I’m still not sure what the real problem was as there didn’t seem to be one thing that really did the trick. Except maybe the part where I clicked my heels together three times and kept repeating, “I wish this *#$@ thing would work.” The really funny part came when I asked him how I could prevent this kind of problem in the future since the receiver seems to be fine when we turn off the TV and then it simply loses its signal before we turn it on again, for no weather related reason. His explanation? Very often pets in the home step on the remote and change the settings, which makes no sense in our case since the settings he was talking about are on the side of our TV, AND Hubby very often sets the remote on the fireplace mantle when we’re gone. I said, “Seriously? The dog ate my TV?” and the technician cheerfully said, “Yes”. So I hung up, looked at the dog and said, “Dude! If you don’t quit changin' the channels while we’re gone, you’re gonna be wearin’ your butt for a hat.”

Breaking News-Hardly

Updates on stories we first brought you yesterday:

Guess what happened last night with dinner. When Hubby checked in on Papa T. and Mama J. he noticed Papa T. hadn’t eaten his mashed potatoes. He asked him what was wrong with the mashed potatoes. Papa T.’s reply? “Nothing. I’m just trying to watch my weight.” It was so funny I couldn’t be mad.

Oh, and Teen Angel has named the raccoon Chester. From this post forward he shall be called Chester. Chester apparently likes macaroni and cheese. That’s what he dined on when he came back to the yard today. The neighbor also saw a skunk back there Monday night. Just call me Marlin Perkins.

Today’s story brought to you by ABC, the network for middle aged women.

There’s still a lot of discussion about the conclusion of Lost. I will miss the show. It was a rare bird in the circus called network television. It was intelligent, humorous and sometimes downright heart wrenching. Raise your hand if you DIDN’T cry when Charlie drowned with his hand against the window desperately sending the message “Not Penny’s Boat”. And who didn’t cry when Sawyer and Juliet were reunited in the finale? Mmm hmmm. That’s what I thought. While I will miss the puzzles and the passions, I have to be really honest and sheepishly admit that one of the things I will really miss is the eye candy.

Now that the hotties of Tuesday night are gone, who is this forty something menopausal housewife going to ogle? The other networks don’t seem to have anything that holds a candle to the men of the island.

Oh, Jack. You may have had daddy issues, but you certainly knew how to fill out a pair of jeans. And those biceps. Love the guns, man.

Sayid. That long curly hair and those piercing dark eyes made me forget that you were an assassin. You may have been a killer, but I was completely willing to overlook that character flaw when you pranced around the beach in a tank top.

And then there was Desmond. That warm smile and charming accent could lure me anywhere. Lure me, Desmond. Please.

Sawyer, Sawyer, Sawyer. A bad boy, yes. But completely irresistible. Have I mentioned that I've always had a thing for bad boys?

The producers managed to find a way for you to lose your shirt on a regular basis and for that I say thank you, Jesus.

All of them brightened my Tuesday nights for the past six years, and now I am...well…lost. I need some new eye candy. I mean there’s always the occasional movie on TNT with a little pinup action. Like that scene in Road House where Patrick Swayze slides out of bed and we get to see his bare butt. I always stop whatever chore I’m doing to catch that. In fact, the last time it was on Hubby hollered at me to come check out the TV right before that scene. He’s such a good husband. Matthew McConoughey jumps across the screen every now and then in swim trunks. That’s nice. But a weekly viewing appointment with handsome men would be better. I could say I like all of my television viewing to be enlightening and educational but that would be a big fat lie. Sometimes I like a little scenery. And Jay Leno just isn’t going to cut it.

Fun Monday-Television

This week's Fun Monday hostess with the mostess is Jan over at Jan and Jer's. She wants to know what we're watching on television. Specifically:

Since September is just around the corner, all the TV shows will be having their premiers throughout the month. What kind of TV viewer are you? Do you like sitcoms or do you prefer drama. Are soap operas your cup of tea or murder mysteries. Game, variety and reality shows are big this year too. These are just a few examples. Share with us your favorite shows and why you like it or them so much.

Well, Jan, the honest truth is I haven't watched television since sometime in April. Oh, I've turned it on and surfed the channels, but I really haven't sat down and watched much TV in months. It's not that I don't enjoy it. I've just been consumed with the chaos we like to call "life". Things have been crazy for us in recent months, so I'm hoping that by the fall season premieres things will calm down, and we can cuddle up in the Big A** Chair with a bowl of popcorn and the remote control. In the meantime, I'll tell you about all the things I'd watch if I had time.

First of all, 90% of my viewing time is spent with either an old movie on TMC or AMC (love, love, love Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn) or HGTV, FoodTV and the History Channel. I can thank the history channel for filling in some of the gaps in my high school history, and I can thank HGTV for making me believe I can pour my own concrete sidewalk with a bowl and a butter knife. FoodTV fuels my wannabe pastry chef fantasies and drives my husband absolutely crazy. "Do we HAVE to watch THIS again?" Most of the time I flip on one of those channels and half way pay attention to the tube while I read a book.

I do pay attention sometimes. While I'm selective about what I watch, I do really enjoy certain shows. I like Brothers & Sisters, and Hubby and I have a crazy craving to be on The Amazing Race. I have a feeling we'd be quite entertaining and would likely be bleeped a lot as we cursed our way across Croatia and Zimbabwe.

My favorite show is Damages.

It's fast paced, well written, always surprising and riveting. Glen Close is superb in this show and is sometimes downright spooky. It's one of those shows you have to DVR and watch more than once to pick up on all of the clues to keep up with this thriller.

Same goes for Lost.

It makes you think. And rethink. And rewind again and again to pick up on all of the clues. I like TV that makes me think. And scratch my head.

I try not to miss Saving Grace.I lurv Holly Hunter's flawed character and her interaction with that quirky angel Earl. It's a very adult show but very thought provoking and again, well written. I hope my guardian angel is as fun as Earl.

Grey's Anatomy is one of my guilty pleasures.

Really, who couldn't use a little McSteamy and a little McDreamy? Raise your hand. I didn't think so. I chalk this one up to smutty fun.

My other guilty pleasure is....well, well I hate to admit it but....but....oh, here goes: Iron Chef America.

Yup. I'm hooked. I love the big reveal of the secret ingredient and the surprising ways they can cook something as simple as an ear of corn. Or how the judges will ooh and ah over something nasty made out of chicken livers and cow brains. If I had a nickel for every time I've DVRed this show, I could have paid for my new appliances at Lowes last week with...well, nickels. It's a tad embarrassing to admit it, but it really is one of my favorite shows. I guess it could be worse. I could have said Repo Man. Not that I know what that is. Really, I've never watched it. I swear. Well, maybe once. But only when Hubby had it on.

Now slide off that couch you potatoes, and slip over to Jan's and see what everyone else is watching.