Lovely Linda

I’m thinking of donating a kidney to someone or taking a mission trip to China. That’s because I need to do some deep cleaning at my house, and I’m trying to find a good reason to put it off for several more months. I’ve run out of excuses, and I need something big this time; something that’s going to take me out of commission until pool season is over. I don’t clean house. Ever. I absolutely suck at it, so a lovely lady named Linda comes to my house once a week and wipes away my grime. I love Linda. She is my favorite person in the world next to my immediate family. I kiss her feet when she shows up on Fridays and shower her with any and every cleaning supply imaginable. She takes good care of us, and I am very grateful. If I have to, I will eat Ramen noodles and Kraft macaroni every night in order to afford this privilege because quite frankly, my house would go to hell in a hand basket if I didn’t have her. The only problem is that she does only light cleaning. You know, the basic dusting, mopping, surface cleaning, bathroom scrubbing stuff. The big things like closet cleaning, baseboard washing and window washing are up to me, and I would rather have a Brazilian bikini wax than scrub a baseboard.

I absolutely hate cleaning. Some women talk about the sense of satisfaction they get from cleaning their house. Not me. It doesn’t fulfill me in any way. Nada. Zip. Zilch. I feel no accomplishment and nothing but remorse for the time lost while scrubbing my home. Time that could have been spent with my family…or organizing my nail polish…. or clipping my toenails…. or cleaning out my belly button. There are numerous things I consider more worthwhile than housekeeping. Hold on to your drawers for this one. I would rather run a 5k in 95 degree weather than mop a floor. How twisted is that?

It’s not that I am completely inept around the house. I can whip out several loads of laundry in the time it takes most people to eat a meal. I’m a darned good cook. I’m no Paula Deen, but I have mastered just about every cake recipe she has published. I even sew a little. I’ve made curtains and a table runner. I just can’t seem to master a mop and sponge. I have tried to be a better housekeeper. Really, I have. The stubborn side of me refuses to admit that I am a failure at anything, so once in a while, say every couple of years, I set out to prove that I CAN clean a shower. I will scrub with the intensity of a doctor prepping for surgery and step away to admire my handiwork, only to find large streaks and soapy residue. I will try and try again with the same results, a soapy mess and a sense of complete and utter failure. Hubby just laughs. He’s a pretty good housekeeper, much better than me. Despite his OCD streak when it comes to neatness around the house, he has finally accepted that I will always need professional help in this area. Are there counselors for this sort of problem? Someone I can talk to? Because I need to clean out some closets and drawers and I am just not up to it. It gets harder each time I try, and I’m tired of failing. I need some help and Linda can’t bail me out on this one. Anyone need a kidney?