Raiders of a Lost Art

We held a planning meeting for bible school last night. Oh boy! I love bible school. That’s because I’m usually in charge of decorating, and it’s an opportunity for my glue gun and glitter fetish to rear its spastic head. I am a nut with a glue gun. And craft paper. And poster paints. Ooh, and colored duct tape. I once used 14 rolls of yellow duct tape to create traffic lanes on the floors of the church hallways and fellowship hall. I’ve built cities, boats, ancient villages and time machines. Last year I made a rock ‘n roll café. Rock ‘n roll…there was a fun theme. Don’t worry. We’re Methodists. We’re okay with dancing and loud music. Heck, we’ll even speak to you in the liquor store.

I follow the Donald Trump motto of “Go Big or Go Home”, so I always get carried away. My goal is to drape the church in as much burlap, bubble wrap and cardboard as possible. My favorite dramatic touch is hanging big banners from the ceiling. I put them everywhere. The santucary looks like the Olympic village. By the time we’re finished taping, painting and stitching next week we will have created a set that rivals Cecil B. DeMille’s finest moments.

I guess all of this comes from the pressure to make bible school exciting and larger than life. Today’s kids get bored so easily. It takes a lot to lure them in. When I was a kid, your parents made you go. The only theme was the Ten Commandments. You glued some macaroni on a plate, dropped pennies and nickels into a little plastic church and sang Kum-ba-ya every day. Your odds of getting a spanking for being a smart mouth were just as high there as they were at home. Snacks were Kool-Aid and vanilla creme cookies. The only variety was the flavor of the Kool-Aid. Now days it takes a slick marketing campaign and an edgy theme to get kids in the door. Church signs advertise the “Arctic Edge”, “Avalanche Ranch” and “Solid Rock Café”. Our theme this year is “Treasure Hunters”. I haven’t decided yet what to do with this pirate and archeologist inspired curriculum. I’m sure I’ll eventually come up with something that involves glitter...and a few banners. If nothing else, I can always hang pictures of Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp and Harrison Ford. The kids won’t be impressed, but it will give the mothers something to stare at all week while we’re making Popsicle stick treasure chests.