Can I Get an Amen?

GREAT GRANNY GERTIE AFTER MONTHS OF SEARCHING I FINALLY FOUND A PAIR OF PANTIES THAT FITS THEY’RE COMFORTABLE THEY DON’T RIDE UP THEY DON’T BIND SQUEEZE OR POKE THEY'RE NOT A STRING UP MY BUTT AND THEY COME IN NEUTRAL COLORS AND LAWSIE MERCY THEY WERE ON SALE NORMALLY $7.50 A PAIR MARKED DOWN TO $1.57 I BOUGHT EVERY PAIR THEY HAD IN MY SIZE GOD BLESS J.C. PENNEY AND THEIR CLEARANCE SALE I COULD JUST HUG SOMEBODY BECAUSE MY BACKSIDE IS FINALLY HAPPY AND MY PANTY PROBLEMS ARE OVER IF I DIE TOMORROW I CAN GO HAPPY AND WEARING MY ABRIELLE LOW CUT BRIEFS IN BEIGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whew. Now if I can just work out that whole underwire thing.

Nothing Butt Frustration

Ladies, can we talk about underwear for a moment? Men feel free to jump in on this one too, but I suspect this topic is probably more of a hot button with women. Somebody please tell me why it’s so difficult to find comfortable undergarments, specifically-and pardon me for using the “P” word, panties. After 44 years of walking this earth, I am still struggling to find panties that don’t crawl, creep, bind or pinch. It just shouldn’t be this hard. While a cure for the common cold would be wonderful, frankly, I’d rather someone invent a pair of drawers that are pretty yet comfortable, well fitting and don’t ride up the crack of my butt. (It’s at this point my preacher may be reconsidering the link he has to this blog on his website.)

Underwear is important, except to my friend Nickie but that’s a post for another day. It’s the foundation for the look we present to the public every day, and panties are like shoes. If they’re uncomfortable or ill fitting they can ruin your whole day. Or at least drive you crazy. This is weighing on my mind because I have spent the last six months buying panties that I wished I hadn’t. I buy a new style or brand with great expectations that this, THIS will be THE pair, only to have my hopes dashed by a day of rolling elastic or crawling edges. I just don’t get why this is so hard. One pair is cut too low. Hello belly roll. Another is too high. Wedgie anyone? One pair sags in the seat, and another has elastic so tight that I feel like a stick of sausage when I wear them. Silky, knit fabrics are hot. Cotton is perfect but often creates big fat panty lines. Thongs eliminate the panty line issue but I just can’t go there. In all fairness to Victoria’s Secret, I tried a thong once, and spent the day wondering how badly the inside of my cheeks were going to be chapped by the time I got home. By the way, have you seen the panty liners made for thongs? What’s the point of that I ask? I won’t elaborate so as not to run off the three men who read this website, but really, what IS the point when there isn’t enough fabric to support a piece of absorbable material smaller than a postage stamp? Talk about living on the edge.

Twice in the last twenty years I’ve found a brand of underwear that I liked and was able to walk into the store and pick up my size in that brand, knowing they would fit and I wouldn’t have to give them a second thought. Life was good when Jockey was king in the 80’s and the Hanes low briefs beckoned to me from the shelf of Dillards. But for some reason, the manufacturers of said panties fiddled with their formula and left me adrift in a sea of uncomfortable spandex and cotton, and currently, I am once again a woman without an island.

Perhaps, you’re thinking that it’s just me. That my body is aging and changing. Well, I’m not willing to accept that theory yet, because it doesn’t seem to matter what shape my backside is in. Over the years, I’ve experienced flabby, small, droopy and even flat without being able to find a panty that performs adequately. And all of this is complicated by peer pressure to buy pretty panties. I’ve gotten a little dependent on white cotton. I didn’t think much about it until lately when I mentioned the need for new underwear my husband suggested very sweetly that I might look for “some pretty ones”. Which was really his way of saying, “Geez, Hula, could you try something other than the white six pack from Wal-Mart?”

For months now, I’ve tried just about very brand and style this side of the Mississippi and have gotten nowhere. Frankly, I’m getting a little desperate, so I’m begging the folks who make underwear to gather together some women of all ages, shapes and sizes for a heart to heart talk over some wine and cheesecake squares and maybe some of those little éclair things you get at Sam’s Wholesale Club. Find out what we REALLY want in a pair of panties. Not what you THINK we want or what some men who have watched too much porn think we want. Please put together some underwear that fits our needs and our lifestyle and is on the pretty (not trashy) side, so I can quit fiddling with waistbands and leg holes and get back to worrying about the really important stuff. Like whether or not that rash on my waist is a sign of Lyme disease or just a reaction to the self tanner I’ve been using.

Fun Monday-Tale of the Undies

Oh, what an unusual assignment we have this week. Our host today, mamadrama, recently found a pair of men's underwear in the parking lot at work. She figures they fell out of someone's gym bag, but it certainly does make you curious about their origin. That's what inspired her assignment for us:

For the March 23rd Fun Monday, What type of tale would you create as to why you had to ditch your underwear in the parking garage at work?

Hmmmm. Interesting. Well, the mind certainly wanders in all kinds of directions on this one. After turning this one upside down in my mind for a while, I finally decided that the only reason my underwear would end up in the parking lot at work would be because they fell out of my gym bag, and I've come gosh darn close to doing that actually. And as I typed this sentence I suddenly remembered I haven't emptied my gym bag and washed last week's running clothes yet. Yikes. So, I'm changing the rules just a smidge and giving you a list of why anyone's underwear would wind up in a public parking lot, besides the obvious reason. These are kind of feeble, but it's the best I could do after a two hour nap. Let's do a top ten list a la Letterman, shall we? Paul, cue the music.

10. Children's author Dave Pilkey's superhero, Captain Underpants, did a quick change in public.

9. A dingo ate my baby...and stole my clothing.

8. I'm not the only one who tests how long they can wear drawers before they literally fall off.

7. A tornado ripped through the laundromat during spring storm season.

6. A protest over the AIG bonuses got way out of hand.

5. The Girls Next Door moved in next door.

4. The Hanes convention was in town, and they gave away swag bags.

3. It was Take Your Drawers to Work Day.

2. A parade came to town, Matthew McConoughey was the grand marshal, and the ladies needed to throw something.

1. And finally....what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!

Okay, that's all I got. Let's mosey on over to mamadrama's to see what everyone else came up with, and let's hope they were more creative than me. If anyone needs me, I'll be doing some laundry.

The Pursuit of Happiness

Can we talk candidly, for just a minute…about underwear? Ladies, listen up, I’ve just about had it with underwear. I’d rather have a tooth pulled than shop for new drawers. Men, I don’t mean to leave you out on this one, so feel free to spout off about any boxer/brief complaints you may have at the end of this show. If we can put a person in space and cure polio why oh why can’t we design some ladies underwear that doesn’t pinch, poke, ride up or cost an arm and a leg? It’s hard enough trying to find dresses and pants that fit. The stuff that goes under it shouldn’t difficult, too. After all, we’re talking about a pretty small piece of material and a few strands of lace and elastic.

I made a new year’s resolution to buy some pretty underwear this year. None of that ho wear that’s meant to be worn with stilettos, mind you. Just something pretty and flattering that doesn’t come in a six pack on a shelf at Wal-Mart. It needs to be comfortable, too. I don’t want to have to worry with it all day while I’m busy. I don’t have time to tuck and pull. As usual, I can’t find anything suitable for a 40-something woman. There seems to be nothing in between teensy weensy thongs and granny panties. I realize there are a whole lot of young women out there who love thongs. If I were 20 years old, I might, too. But I’m at the age where a string between the cheeks of my backside just won’t cut it. Without going into detail, let’s just say I need more coverage. If you don’t wear a thong, you have to decide between low rise, ultra low rise and high cut briefs. Low rise and ultra low rise are just too low for someone who has gone through childbirth. No matter how many crunches you do, you’re always going to need something to hold in those lower abs once they’ve been stretched by pregnancy. (Get ready J. Lo. It ain’t ever goin’ back the way it was, girl.) High rise briefs hit you somewhere just below your armpits while the leg holes stretch to your hip bones. Yeah, that’s comfortable. And don’t get me started on bras. Never mind that the sizes aren’t consistent. The itch factor alone is enough to drive you crazy. And who thought shoving a hard wire underneath the girls would be comfortable? There has to be a better way to create support that doesn’t make you feel as if you’ve been lassoed by a slingshot.


In light of all of these issues, I’ve drafted a resolution on behalf of all women my age in search of better underwear. We are the purse strings of this nation’s economy. We make the purchasing decisions in most of the homes around the country, and we have a voice. If you approve of the resolution, please sign below. Stand up and be counted, ladies. We deserve better. Let freedom from discomfort ring today! (Cue God Bless America.)

We the women of the United States, in order to form a more perfect panty, establish support, insure waistband elasticity, provide for jiggle defense, promote generous coverage and secure the blessings of creep free lycra for ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this resolution for the United States of America.

If this doesn’t work I suggest we throw all of our old, ill fitting underwear into the harbor and see what happens.

To Tug or Not To Tug

I read yesterday where two young Ohio boys have invented wedgie-proof underwear. Now, THAT is a contribution to mankind. It’s practical, and it solves a universal problem. I’m assuming it’s universal. I mean, the pigmies in New Guinea can’t keep that linen wrap from riding up their backside all of the time, can they? And I suspect the Tibetan monks get a wedgie every now and then under those robes. It happens to all of us at one time or another. And finally, someone is doing something about it.

Think of all the school children who are pushed around the playground every day and how they will rejoice at this news. Bullies can grab and tug at those drawers, but they won’t budge, saving little Johnny the humiliation and pain of dangling from the flagpole by his seat. Women will love this invention. It’s a victory in their battle against shifting underwear. Women fall into two categories: those who wear thongs and those who don’t. Those who wear them are young and willing to endure discomfort in order to look good. Those who don’t are older, wiser and less willing to accept a product that is going to ride up the crack of our butt all day just to eliminate panty lines. We like a little coverage and making it wedgie proof is a big step toward eliminating the “panty shuffle”. That’s the little dance we do to pull our drawers out of the hinderlands while everyone’s back is turned. It’s a tricky little step, and you have to be fast because it’s embarrassing to get busted in mid pick. Camouflage, like a car door or a file folder, is helpful. And don’t sit there and pretend you don’t do it girlfriend, because I know you do. Some of you forget to look both ways before you pick and don’t realize you have company. I’ve seen you.

An overlooked demographic that will likely appreciate this invention is the senior population. Any senior citizen who relies on the help of others to get in a vehicle knows about the wedgie. That’s because whoever is helping them often has to tug, pull and push to get them in the car, and underwear gets shoved around in the process. When we were in Florida, we rented a cargo van to carry all of us and our luggage around town. Mama J. had trouble stepping up into the van, so Hubby had to give her a boost. He would grab her pants and pull like Mighty Mouse. He got her in the van alright, but she’s still looking for her big girl panties. Papa T. got the same treatment. Years ago, my mother took care of my great aunt during Aunt Tottie’s latter years. Aunt Tottie probably weighed about 90 pounds, but mama is only about five feet tall, and she would literally have to get behind Tottie, put her hands on her fanny and push in order to get her up into mama and daddy’s truck. Mama used to say, you do what you gotta’ do. It worked, but made for a Tottie Wedgie…which made auntie mad and turned her into…you guessed it….a hot Tottie.

I don’t know what motivated these boys to come up with invention. I hope they weren’t bullied. Whatever the reason, I’m glad they’ve done it, and I hope their product is mass marketed in time for Christmas. For all of us who spend a small portion of our day, yanking, tugging and rearranging, (insert patriotic music here) I say God bless those boys from Ohio.