The Pursuit of Happiness

Can we talk candidly, for just a minute…about underwear? Ladies, listen up, I’ve just about had it with underwear. I’d rather have a tooth pulled than shop for new drawers. Men, I don’t mean to leave you out on this one, so feel free to spout off about any boxer/brief complaints you may have at the end of this show. If we can put a person in space and cure polio why oh why can’t we design some ladies underwear that doesn’t pinch, poke, ride up or cost an arm and a leg? It’s hard enough trying to find dresses and pants that fit. The stuff that goes under it shouldn’t difficult, too. After all, we’re talking about a pretty small piece of material and a few strands of lace and elastic.

I made a new year’s resolution to buy some pretty underwear this year. None of that ho wear that’s meant to be worn with stilettos, mind you. Just something pretty and flattering that doesn’t come in a six pack on a shelf at Wal-Mart. It needs to be comfortable, too. I don’t want to have to worry with it all day while I’m busy. I don’t have time to tuck and pull. As usual, I can’t find anything suitable for a 40-something woman. There seems to be nothing in between teensy weensy thongs and granny panties. I realize there are a whole lot of young women out there who love thongs. If I were 20 years old, I might, too. But I’m at the age where a string between the cheeks of my backside just won’t cut it. Without going into detail, let’s just say I need more coverage. If you don’t wear a thong, you have to decide between low rise, ultra low rise and high cut briefs. Low rise and ultra low rise are just too low for someone who has gone through childbirth. No matter how many crunches you do, you’re always going to need something to hold in those lower abs once they’ve been stretched by pregnancy. (Get ready J. Lo. It ain’t ever goin’ back the way it was, girl.) High rise briefs hit you somewhere just below your armpits while the leg holes stretch to your hip bones. Yeah, that’s comfortable. And don’t get me started on bras. Never mind that the sizes aren’t consistent. The itch factor alone is enough to drive you crazy. And who thought shoving a hard wire underneath the girls would be comfortable? There has to be a better way to create support that doesn’t make you feel as if you’ve been lassoed by a slingshot.


In light of all of these issues, I’ve drafted a resolution on behalf of all women my age in search of better underwear. We are the purse strings of this nation’s economy. We make the purchasing decisions in most of the homes around the country, and we have a voice. If you approve of the resolution, please sign below. Stand up and be counted, ladies. We deserve better. Let freedom from discomfort ring today! (Cue God Bless America.)

We the women of the United States, in order to form a more perfect panty, establish support, insure waistband elasticity, provide for jiggle defense, promote generous coverage and secure the blessings of creep free lycra for ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this resolution for the United States of America.

If this doesn’t work I suggest we throw all of our old, ill fitting underwear into the harbor and see what happens.