To Tug or Not To Tug

I read yesterday where two young Ohio boys have invented wedgie-proof underwear. Now, THAT is a contribution to mankind. It’s practical, and it solves a universal problem. I’m assuming it’s universal. I mean, the pigmies in New Guinea can’t keep that linen wrap from riding up their backside all of the time, can they? And I suspect the Tibetan monks get a wedgie every now and then under those robes. It happens to all of us at one time or another. And finally, someone is doing something about it.

Think of all the school children who are pushed around the playground every day and how they will rejoice at this news. Bullies can grab and tug at those drawers, but they won’t budge, saving little Johnny the humiliation and pain of dangling from the flagpole by his seat. Women will love this invention. It’s a victory in their battle against shifting underwear. Women fall into two categories: those who wear thongs and those who don’t. Those who wear them are young and willing to endure discomfort in order to look good. Those who don’t are older, wiser and less willing to accept a product that is going to ride up the crack of our butt all day just to eliminate panty lines. We like a little coverage and making it wedgie proof is a big step toward eliminating the “panty shuffle”. That’s the little dance we do to pull our drawers out of the hinderlands while everyone’s back is turned. It’s a tricky little step, and you have to be fast because it’s embarrassing to get busted in mid pick. Camouflage, like a car door or a file folder, is helpful. And don’t sit there and pretend you don’t do it girlfriend, because I know you do. Some of you forget to look both ways before you pick and don’t realize you have company. I’ve seen you.

An overlooked demographic that will likely appreciate this invention is the senior population. Any senior citizen who relies on the help of others to get in a vehicle knows about the wedgie. That’s because whoever is helping them often has to tug, pull and push to get them in the car, and underwear gets shoved around in the process. When we were in Florida, we rented a cargo van to carry all of us and our luggage around town. Mama J. had trouble stepping up into the van, so Hubby had to give her a boost. He would grab her pants and pull like Mighty Mouse. He got her in the van alright, but she’s still looking for her big girl panties. Papa T. got the same treatment. Years ago, my mother took care of my great aunt during Aunt Tottie’s latter years. Aunt Tottie probably weighed about 90 pounds, but mama is only about five feet tall, and she would literally have to get behind Tottie, put her hands on her fanny and push in order to get her up into mama and daddy’s truck. Mama used to say, you do what you gotta’ do. It worked, but made for a Tottie Wedgie…which made auntie mad and turned her into…you guessed it….a hot Tottie.

I don’t know what motivated these boys to come up with invention. I hope they weren’t bullied. Whatever the reason, I’m glad they’ve done it, and I hope their product is mass marketed in time for Christmas. For all of us who spend a small portion of our day, yanking, tugging and rearranging, (insert patriotic music here) I say God bless those boys from Ohio.