I’m being stalked…by Santa. He’s everywhere I go. Dude, it’s only mid-November. I’m not ready for Christmas yet. He needs to go back to the North Pole and come back in a couple of weeks when I’m feeling a little prepared for the juggernaut we call Christmas. I know the holiday season gets earlier and earlier each year, but I’ve been seeing the Jolly Old Elf since late September. It’s just wrong for him to beat Halloween into the stores. It’s out of hand, and it’s making me nervous. He’s everywhere I look.
I walked into the grocery store Saturday. On the first main aisle there was a big cardboard Santa trying to sell me some Sprite. Four aisles over, he beckoned me to try the holiday Ziploc baggies. I went to Wal-Mart. A big rubber Santa waved at me near the rear door. I tried to run from him and tripped over the Christmas cards on my way to the shampoo. There he was, staring at me from the front of the cards. I stopped in J.C. Penney’s. There he was again, dangling from a Christmas tree. Next thing you know, he’ll be showing up on TV. I’m sure because the other night some penguins in holiday attire came sliding across my TV screen to sell me something. I’m not sure what it was because I put my hands over my eyes and screamed. The big guy can’t be far behind.
If you ask me, it’s downright scary how overwhelming Christmas has become. It was 80 freakin’ degrees the day I saw the first Christmas display in a local store. 80! I can’t think about Christmas when I’m sweating. Summer lingered a long time, and fall has just rolled right over me. I can’t believe Thanksgiving is next week, and to think I’m supposed to start Christmas shopping right after that. Great googly moogly! Let me off this train at the next stop. I need to finish my Halloween candy and have some pecan pie and some turkey before I can digest a dose of Christmas. I’m going to go lie down now and someone wake me up when the green bean casserole is done. And I’m going to pray that I don’t have nightmares about a fat man in a red suit following me everywhere I go.
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