Just What The Doctor Ordered

I don’t take any medicines on a regular basis (knock on wood) so I’m just not used to it. I’m having a little trouble keeping up with all my medication this week, since I’m now up to four prescriptions. My purse is a veritable medicine chest of assorted pills, sprays and drops. That rattling noise you hear when I walk isn’t just my lungs. I hope I don’t get stopped for speeding because I’m afraid of what the cop will think when I reach for my license and pharmaceuticals start flying.

Let’s see. There’s the antibiotic for the sinus infection, possibly the bitterest pill I’ve ever taken. It’s the size of my big toe and tastes like it too. Not that I know what my big toe tastes like. I’m just guessing. Each time I take this pill it gets stuck in my throat and starts to melt, spreading nastiness all along the back of my mouth. It makes me cranky to take this pill, but it is making me feel better, so I gag it down…twice a day...praying for day ten to get here soon. I also have a nasal spray. It’s not too bad, but it makes my nose run like a maple tree for about a half hour after I use it. Using it reminds me of my grade school music teacher who had a nasal spray addiction. She used to squirt it up her nose in front of us, all the time. It was gross. No wonder she never got married. I have an inhaler this week, too. I’ve never had asthma before so the inhaler is a new experience for me. After I squirt it and hold my breath little puffs of smoke come out of my nose. It makes me sing Puff the Magic Dragon. I like the inhaler. It allows me to breathe. Breathing is good. I’ve missed it.

My newest prescription came yesterday after I spent another sleepless night hacking up pieces of lung nonstop. The doctor gave me some mighty fine cough syrup. I had to give my social security number just to get it at the pharmacy. I didn’t care. I would have signed away my house in order to get something to knock out this cough. You can only take it at night because one of the side effects is that it could induce hallucinations. And it’s habit forming. Seriously. About a half hour after I took it I started acting like Spiccoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I wanted to add the word “dude” after every sentence. I slept so soundly I couldn’t wake up this morning. When I did, I realized I had the bed spins. And severe dry mouth. I thought I was back in college for a minute. Yeah buddy, that’s some good stuff. I guess that’s why there’s no refill.

You can add Motrin for aches and pains, cough drops for the cough (because I can’t stay wired on the miracle cough medicine during the day), chap stick for the dry lips and Tic Tacs for the sinus breath. No wait. That’s for the Mexican food I had at lunch. I also have a big wad of tissues in my purse for snot emergencies. I’ve been a power sneezer this week. It’s a good thing I don’t have any money because I don’t have room for my wallet in there. The only other option would be to get a bigger purse, but a big purse full of medication would make me feel even more like my mother, and I’m just not ready to go there right now. So I will squeeze it in my little velvet bag and rattle all the way home.