In The Express Lane

Some days I wonder how I’ve made it through the day. This has been one of them. Before 8am I had dropped a glass of water, spilled a bag of oatmeal and run into a wall. Head first. As if I don’t walk by that same wall twenty times a day. By 2pm I had managed to cover my black pants in cotton batting and my face in glitter (I was dismantling a parade float), whack a finger with a power drill and cut another finger on a piece of metal. I have roughly six hours to go before bedtime, and I’m a little worried about the way this ball is rolling downhill. I’m not going anywhere near heavy equipment or an open flame.

I consider myself reasonably graceful, but every now and then I have a day where I stumble around like a wino in a funhouse. What can I say, it’s a gift. Actually, it’s a result of moving too fast and doing too many things at one time. It’s a bad habit of mine, and I need to stop. Not only does it cause accidents, it makes me grumpy. And I’m trying very hard not to be grumpy this holiday season. Apparently, I’m trying harder than others. Sissy was in line at the photo center at Wal-Mart last night when the lady behind her yelled at her for taking too long at the picture scanner. This same lady had just rambled on and on with a friend about church and praying for someone in bad health. Hippo-crit. I hate it when people pretend to be all churchy and then act like a turd. Sissy said the lady manning the photo center was just as mean and that the checkout counter was filled with a line of cranky people. Probably folks squeezing too much into their day, just like me. If they’re not careful they’ll find themselves running into walls.

I think we should have a special day before Christmas called “Take a Deep Breath Day”. Maybe around Dec. 20th (that’s SuperCop’s birthday, by the way). We would all agree to slow down, be patient with one another and be nice to everyone all day, even the turds behind us at the photo center. We would also be required to eat pie that day. Pie is good. We all need a little more pie in our life because it forces us to linger over a meal and savor the flavors. (I’m a little disturbed that I worked pie and poop into the same paragraph.)

As for me, I obviously can't wait until Dec. 20th. If I expect to live until Christmas, I need to slow down now. So, I am going to step carefully the rest of today and put myself into a lower gear tomorrow. Oh, and I'm going to find some pie.