Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Nothing Butt Frustration

Ladies, can we talk about underwear for a moment? Men feel free to jump in on this one too, but I suspect this topic is probably more of a hot button with women. Somebody please tell me why it’s so difficult to find comfortable undergarments, specifically-and pardon me for using the “P” word, panties. After 44 years of walking this earth, I am still struggling to find panties that don’t crawl, creep, bind or pinch. It just shouldn’t be this hard. While a cure for the common cold would be wonderful, frankly, I’d rather someone invent a pair of drawers that are pretty yet comfortable, well fitting and don’t ride up the crack of my butt. (It’s at this point my preacher may be reconsidering the link he has to this blog on his website.)

Underwear is important, except to my friend Nickie but that’s a post for another day. It’s the foundation for the look we present to the public every day, and panties are like shoes. If they’re uncomfortable or ill fitting they can ruin your whole day. Or at least drive you crazy. This is weighing on my mind because I have spent the last six months buying panties that I wished I hadn’t. I buy a new style or brand with great expectations that this, THIS will be THE pair, only to have my hopes dashed by a day of rolling elastic or crawling edges. I just don’t get why this is so hard. One pair is cut too low. Hello belly roll. Another is too high. Wedgie anyone? One pair sags in the seat, and another has elastic so tight that I feel like a stick of sausage when I wear them. Silky, knit fabrics are hot. Cotton is perfect but often creates big fat panty lines. Thongs eliminate the panty line issue but I just can’t go there. In all fairness to Victoria’s Secret, I tried a thong once, and spent the day wondering how badly the inside of my cheeks were going to be chapped by the time I got home. By the way, have you seen the panty liners made for thongs? What’s the point of that I ask? I won’t elaborate so as not to run off the three men who read this website, but really, what IS the point when there isn’t enough fabric to support a piece of absorbable material smaller than a postage stamp? Talk about living on the edge.

Twice in the last twenty years I’ve found a brand of underwear that I liked and was able to walk into the store and pick up my size in that brand, knowing they would fit and I wouldn’t have to give them a second thought. Life was good when Jockey was king in the 80’s and the Hanes low briefs beckoned to me from the shelf of Dillards. But for some reason, the manufacturers of said panties fiddled with their formula and left me adrift in a sea of uncomfortable spandex and cotton, and currently, I am once again a woman without an island.

Perhaps, you’re thinking that it’s just me. That my body is aging and changing. Well, I’m not willing to accept that theory yet, because it doesn’t seem to matter what shape my backside is in. Over the years, I’ve experienced flabby, small, droopy and even flat without being able to find a panty that performs adequately. And all of this is complicated by peer pressure to buy pretty panties. I’ve gotten a little dependent on white cotton. I didn’t think much about it until lately when I mentioned the need for new underwear my husband suggested very sweetly that I might look for “some pretty ones”. Which was really his way of saying, “Geez, Hula, could you try something other than the white six pack from Wal-Mart?”

For months now, I’ve tried just about very brand and style this side of the Mississippi and have gotten nowhere. Frankly, I’m getting a little desperate, so I’m begging the folks who make underwear to gather together some women of all ages, shapes and sizes for a heart to heart talk over some wine and cheesecake squares and maybe some of those little éclair things you get at Sam’s Wholesale Club. Find out what we REALLY want in a pair of panties. Not what you THINK we want or what some men who have watched too much porn think we want. Please put together some underwear that fits our needs and our lifestyle and is on the pretty (not trashy) side, so I can quit fiddling with waistbands and leg holes and get back to worrying about the really important stuff. Like whether or not that rash on my waist is a sign of Lyme disease or just a reaction to the self tanner I’ve been using.

21 comments:

Lew Jetton said...

I agree 100%! That's why I quit wearing women's underwear years ago!

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

So true!!!

Personally, my fav undies are now from Lands End. I bought them for the 3 day (had to be "non cotton") and have been hooked. If I can walk over 20 miles, for 3 days in a row, in over 80 degree heat and not feel sweaty, I believe I've found the right kind!

To clarify that statement, I did not wear the same pair for 3 days...thankyouverymuch. : )

Mike Golch said...

I have always hated the boxer shorts my self.

Living Life said...

ROFL! I love what your hubby said about buying some "pretty" ones instead of the 5-pack from Walmart! Seems like once we do find a brand and style we like, they are soon discontinued and we are having to start the process all over again!!

Good luck on your quest for new panties! In the end, I hope you are nothing BUTT satisfied!

J.G. said...

At the risk of matching you, TMI for TMI, you'll get no recommendations from me. I have had some luck with Hanes, but they're just the best of the bad.

Now, can you please explain to me why your male readers are commenting so much on this post? Just asking. :-)

oreneta said...

I have to admit that I have found underwear that I like, and that is comfy, as in I don't even notice I am wearing it, whatever I am doing.

100% cotton jockeys, string bikini cut, here's a link: http://www.jockey.com/en-US/Catalog/ProductDetails.aspx?CS_ProductID=1586&CS_Category=Underwear&CS_Catalog=Women&List=103.

I buy them in black or black, like Mr Ford's car. I may have to cave and buy some in a colour more similar to my skin if I make a mistake and buy something too thin, and I don't think the panty lines are too bad, but I wear a lot of jeans which are pretty forgiving....

Great post.

Janis said...

Let me see...been there done that. One word..and I know you don't want to hear it, but here goes...Briefs!!!!! You are still a little young for this transfer but in the end you might cave in..for comfort sake. Good luck in your search!

Trailboss said...

I can't help you darlin. I still get the 6-pack from Walmart. Oh, and some panties too. hehe

Mia said...

I laughed so hard at Lew J.'s comment I nearly busted the seam of my taupe colored "Just My Size" Hanes Her Way drawers!!!!!! And YOU with jelly rolls??? come on Hula stop with the fiction!

Hula Girl at Heart said...

Mia-I'm talking about that loose roll of skin that no matter how thin you are never goes back into place after you have a baby and just likes to hang over the top of the waistband. It's been driving me slightly crazy for sixteen years.

dkuroiwa said...

As Japanese unders are made only for Japanese small-little-or-no-butted women, I have spent the last 18 years buying, in bulk, cotton unders. I have run the gauntlet of styles and sizes. hanes used to be at the top of my list, but now....I'm a Fruit Of The Loom girl...cotton, high waiste, high on the legs kind of girl. (and much to the chagrin of my mother, i do tend to like those thongy type...they just make me feel a little bit sexier...like i got a secret that no one knows!!)

btw...Lew?...he's a caution!!

The Girl Next Door said...

I thought my friend was nuts 12 years ago when she said "thong." but now? I can't imagine anything else. Because everything else? Leaves pantylines, doesn't stay where it should, and it totally annoying. And if you're thinking "OMG total wedgie all the live long day" nope it doesn't feel like that. And no I can't explain it.
So Lew? Try some thongs and you just might be back in women's undies....

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