Dear New Neighbors,
My name is Hula, and I’m writing to introduce you to my family. I meant to knock on your door by now, but I’ve been a little covered up with this unpacking business. I had hoped to have a little holiday open house, but if I plan one more special event during the Christmas season, my family will hogtie me with mistletoe and ship me to the North Pole. I will try to introduce myself personally soon, but hopefully, this note will suffice until then.
There are some things about the Hula-gen’s I should probably make you aware of so that we get off on the right foot. First of all, let me go ahead and apologize in advance for my early morning walk-the-dog attire. The Crocs are kind of a necessity since the dog likes to wander into any wet spot he finds in the yard. As Lt. Dan said in Forrest Gump, it’s important to keep your feet dry, and the Crocs are usually the handiest pair of shoes sitting at the back door. I realize the robe is a disaster, but you must admit a robe is like jeans. It just doesn’t feel good until it’s pretty much worn out, plus Teen Angel got it for me for Christmas. Also, even though I walk the dog at 5:45am, I do pledge to wear underwear because at least one of you runs at that hour, and this really doesn’t seem like an underwear optional neighborhood. I must say I will miss that about my old block. It kept things interesting, especially since most of my old neighbors were elderly.
Our dog is barker. He’s a miniature schnauzer, and it’s their nature. We will do our best to keep him from barking at you when you pass by, but don’t worry. His personality is bigger than he is, and he’s really a fraidy cat. He won’t bite you, but he likes to make you think he will. Our cat on the other hand, will bite when provoked. She had a rough life before she came to us, and she’s a bit ornery. We have the papers to prove it. When we picked her up at the vet after vacation, her report card had a big red check by the I Was A Little Devil box. We like to call her our little she devil. When you’re visiting us, she will probably leave you alone, but you should probably not leave your ankles unprotected.
If you ask to borrow something, we will loan it to you. If you fail to return it or tear it up, we will pretend not to have the next item you ask to borrow because we won’t want to hurt your feelings by saying no.
If you go out of town on vacation and ask us to keep an eye on your teenagers while you’re gone, we will. We won’t call the cops if they have a party unless there is underage drinking and drug use. We won’t tattle on them, but we will tell you the truth when you get back and ask if there were any parties.
Speaking of parties, we like to have them. We won’t be loud and keep you up half the night, but we do like to have company. In fact, we have three parties scheduled this month. You will sometimes see our driveway full of cars, but our friends will not streak naked through your yard or jump off our roof. They won’t toss beer cans in your driveway either. They usually go home fairly early because they’re getting old and tired.
Apparently, many of you are curious about the renovations to our house since you saw so many workers come and go for months. You do not need to borrow a cup of sugar in order to get in the door to see the tile and countertops. Just knock on the door and ask. I’ll even show you my newly organized closet.
We are suckers for every kid who shows up on our doorstep selling something for school or clubs. Send ‘em our way without feeling guilty. We like band fruit, cookie dough, pretzels, Girl Scout cookies, Boy Scout popcorn and World's Finest Chocolate bars. Overpriced wrapping paper? Not so much. But I’ll probably buy some anyway.
In summary, we are boisterous, and we like to laugh. We often laugh at ourselves. We are just common folk who enjoy a good story or a good fart joke. We enjoy the simple things in life, and we like sharing life with family and friends. We will help you any way we can. We may wear leopard print pajamas with pink crocs outside, but we won’t let our grass get too high and we won’t let our dog poop in your yard. We’re just happy to be here, and I’m afraid you’re stuck with us for a long time because we don’t EVER want to move again.
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