As much time as I spend defending the image of Kentuckians and refuting our reputation for being a big bunch of toothless rednecks, I have to admit we have more than our fair share of hillbilly attitude about clothing and teeth in this part of the country. I’ve just read that Kentucky ranks 2nd in the nation behind West Virginia in adults over 65 who have had all of their teeth pulled, and 37% of Kentuckians are missing at least six teeth. Add that to our love for camouflage, and there are days when I scratch my head and wonder what some of my fellow Kentuckians were thinking when they got dressed that morning. To boost our image, I’m proposing the following fashion guidelines for my fellow rednecks when visiting Wal-Mart or running around town.
1. Winter camo should be worn after Memorial Day but not after Easter. If the snow is on the ground, wear the brown.
2. False teeth should be worn EVERY time you leave the house, not just on special occasions such as the Ducks Unlimited banquet.
3. If you must wear flip-flops in the winter, choose subdued colors such as brown or black that are more likely to match your winter coat. Again, if the snow is on the ground…..
4. House shoes should be worn only in the house. They are not acceptable footwear for trips to the Piggly Wiggly, the Dollar Store or Pancake Days at IHOP.
5. Scrubs are not considered formal wear and should be avoided unless you really work in the medical field.
6. Nail art should be limited to two acrylic nails at any given time. It shouldn’t be worn at all if your nails are longer than 1 inch and painted Cha-Ching Cherry red.
7. Mud and animal excrement should be removed from boots (this means you too, ladies) before entering a place of business.
8. U.K. attire should be limited to no more than three articles at any given time. As Coco Chanel said, when you are finished dressing, take off your last accessory, and you will be just right.
9. And remember, your best accessory is a toothbrush.
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