Return to Sender

Well, I got on the wrong list somehow. I received a Victoria’s Secret catalog, and I don’t know why. I’m too cheap to spend any money in that store, and haven’t given them my name or address that I can recall. I took a little gander at the catalog though, just in case I get a wild urge to blow $200 on a pair of undies. It confirmed my suspicions that there was nothing in there for me.

The bikini bottoms wouldn’t cover up my old pregnancy stretch marks below my belly button. In fact, they would barely cover my bottom. None of the suits is made for folks with figure flaws. The one swimsuit top that mentions extra support only goes up to a size 38 B-C. That’s not support. That’s a liner. The blue satin baseball hat that says “Sexy Little Thing” is on sale for $5.99, but I couldn’t wear that in public without laughing. The long pink satin gloves with sparkles are just $9.99 and the matching faux fur mini skirt is just $6.99 but those seem a little over the top, don’t cha’ think? The winter pajamas are on sale, too but they all seem a little brief for winter weather. We have mild winters in Kentucky, but I would still freeze my patookus off in that stuff. Besides, they would clash with my fuzzy bed socks and chenille robe. That leaves a few tanks and turtlenecks, but what’s the point of wearing a turtleneck is it has a big hole in the back? Won’t that be a little cold? Oh, there was a lovely sweater dress that I would actually wear, but it’s on sale for $75, and that’s still not cheap enough for me. When it gets to $40, we’ll talk. Hey, is that a pair of over the knee leopard print boots? Oh wait. Halloween isn’t for another ten months.

Sigh. I knew better than to look at that book. I knew it would just make me feel old and confused. I need to trade with Teen Angel. She got an offer on cemetery lots and funeral preplanning. She’s on the wrong list, too.