Thursday, October 23, 2008

Crimes of Fashion

I have a confession. I’m afraid I’ll lose all sense of fashion when I get old. Not that I’m any great fashionista now, but I do manage to get out of the house without embarrassing myself or my family. I think. I asked, but I’m still not sure.

It all started the other night when Hubby and I were packing some clothing for a family member who was in the hospital. He picked up a purse belonging to said family member, wrinkled his nose and asked, “Would you carry THIS?” I glanced over my shoulder and said, “Not even if I was old.” And since “old” isn’t as far off as it used to be I added, “Hey, when we get old, if I ever leave the house in something ridiculous, I want you to tell me.” His reply? A noncommittal “Mmm.”
“Mmm? What’s that mean? You will tell me, won’t you?”
“Um, probably not.”
“Why not?”
“Because I won’t want to hurt your feelings.”
“You mean you won’t want to cross me when I’m old and cranky.”
“Well, that too.”
I went back to shuffling through underwear, when it hit me. What if I leave the house NOW in bad outfits? Surely not. Or could I already be in the Bjork zone and not know it? I didn’t want to ask, but I had to ask, and after a few seconds I worked up the nerve.
“Hey, I don’t wear anything stupid now, do I?”
“Hmm. I don’t think so.”
“You don’t THINK so? What does that mean? Either I do or I don’t. I don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard to appear young, but I don’t want to dress like my grandma either.”
“No, I think you’re fine. I can’t think of anything goofy you’ve worn, except that parrothead stuff you wear to parties.”
Whew. “Okay, that doesn’t count, but I really want to know if I wear something out of bounds.”
“Mmm.”

So, you see, I didn’t get a firm commitment, so I’m looking to my friends for a little help. If at any time I put something like this on my feet, I want you to steal my shoes and throw them away.
Same goes for the holiday sweatshirt
With dangly Christmas earrings.
And don’t let me wear the polyester pants with an elastic waistband if I am fully capable of buttoning my pants and have full control of my bladder.
For the love of Moses, don’t let me carry this.
And if you ever see me out in public with a bingo bag, call 911 and have me locked up because I deserve to go to jail.
You will tell me, won’t you? And do you think I should go ahead and bring that high waisted pants thing to Hubby’s attention? Or just continue to go mmmm when he asks if those brown pants fit okay?

8 comments:

Supercop said...

I myself am looking forward to wearing the one-piece zippered coveralls in long and short sleeves when I get old. (with just enough chest and back hair hanging out to be sexy.)
It will make clothing choices so much easier.

Amy said...

I promise, Hula, if I were to ever see you in public wearing any of the things in the pictures that you shared, I will look at you and say, "Hula, the only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize." ;)

oreneta said...

Then there are the guys who with shorts and running shoes, pull their socks up as high as they can go.....Gak.

Kelley with Amy's Angels said...

That was a funny post. I'm seriously still giggling.

LuckyMe said...

Tooo funny. I love the elastic pants and the bingo bag!
I have been pondering the clueless emabarassmants of old age myself lately. My sister and I promised each other to mind the stray hairs on each others faces. And no one should know about hubby's high waisted pants because all men are supposed to be untucked now.

Mia said...

On the few occassions I have seen you IRL you always look classy,put together, age appropriate and gorgeous!!! Now if you start wearing that Parrothead stuff to Wal-Mart we may have to re-visit this compliment!
Have a great weekend!

janjanmom said...

You can even pull off a clothing swap with your teen daughter, you are THAT cool!!

karisma said...

Okay sweetie, I will let you away with the xmas earrings but please do NOT wear those pants and if I EVER see you doing the whole Y generation thing! I will say something for sure! Nothing worse than butt crack on display! It truly riles me!

But seriously! Are we really old? Or close to old? Am I supposed to be preparing for grandma mode right now! (Brain furiously searching around for cool relatives who ARE at least 20 years older than me! Phew found one! Very cool Aunty, still dresses well and knows how to party! Im safe!)