De Plane

Waaa! My family is still on vacation in the Florida sunshine while I'm back at work today. (Insert stomping of foot.) It's not fair!! Okay, that's out of the way.... I promise.

The airport is a crazy place these days. As my mama says, you see all kinds there. I’m fascinated by people in airports. I always wonder where they’re going and why. Are they on vacation? Going home? Visiting family? And just listening to all the accents chattering in one place, especially when you’re in an area heavily visited by tourists is musical. Southern twangs, northern brogues and stuff in between make up an odd symphony. You see a few of the same people in airports, though, on just about every trip. There’s the frantic businessman dashing to a plane with his Blue Tooth in his ear and a Palm Pilot in hand. He always talks too loud, so everyone knows he’s important. There’s the mom juggling a baby and all the heavy trappings that have to accompany little ones. I always feel sorry for her. I like seeing the folks who have family waiting for them at the gate. That’s always fun, but it makes me all sniffly. That's 'cause I'm a real sap. I just can’t help myself. And on every flight there’s always some young guy who looks like he’s just spent a week having a good time in the clothes on his back. He’s the one without a carry-on. He usually sleeps the whole time, too. Then there’s the fussy elderly lady with big hair, lots of jewelry and acrylic nails. She’s usually not satisfied with her seat and/or the beverage options. And don’t forget the rowdy brother and sister who have seats two rows behind their parents and punch each other the whole time. I suspect some parents purposefully plan their seating assignments this way.

My flight home yesterday was pretty calm, but it had a couple of funny moments. The first came when the lady seated in front of me got up in mid-flight, stood in the aisle and began doing exaggerated stretches. Now, there isn't much room in a plane for that kind of thing, so her butt was in the face of a fellow passenger the whole time. Perhaps, he would have been more amused if she had been a young hottie. She wasn't, so he wasn't...amused that is. Her antics went on for about ten minutes until some turbulence prompted the seat belt light to come on. Air turbulence...not her turbulence. I will say that her show was more interesting than my book.

The second leg of my flight was on a small commuter plane full of tired, quiet people ready to be home already. I just wanted to read away the forty minute flight unnoticed and skip any conversation with strangers on the plane. I was too tired to make new friends and just wanted to go unnoticed. Halfway through chapter 21 the flight attendant came barrelling out of nowhere and smacked me on the shoulder, pretty hard. I didn't see her coming and practically fell out of my seat because I was so unprepared for her linebacker whack to the arm. Apparently, she thought I needed saving from some large bug that had landed on my shoulder. The bug bit me when she popped me, so I got two whammies for the price of one. "I probably should have warned you before I hit you, " she said. Hmm. Ya' think? The bug was some kind of beetle (she showed its carcass to me), but she made me fill out an incident report in case I "had complications" from the bite later. It just illustrates how crazy air flight really is these days. You have to fill out paperwork for a bug bite, but you can't carry on more than three ounces of shampoo anymore. And while I'm at it, what happened to my packet of peanuts? I got shafted on the snacks going to Florida and coming home. Waaa! It's not fair.