Thursday, June 10, 2010

In This Moment

I’ve been terribly reflective the last couple of days. I don’t know if it was spurred by that long library fine list or that pitiful homeless fellow I saw sweltering in the sun and vacantly peering over his cardboard sign, but something has me deep in thought. Thoughts about the fragility of life, the power of emotions and even the sad state of people and wildlife in the Gulf of Mexico. Mostly I’ve been thinking about time and how fast it’s moving. It’s as if the globe spins faster each day. Some days I feel as if I’m barely hanging onto the earth and I could lose my grip at any minute and go flying into the atmosphere. As a child I used to laugh at my mother when she had trouble remembering what day it was or how old she was. Now, I suffer from the same problem. The older I get the faster everything moves, especially the clock. Proof of that sits right in front of me every day in the face of my daughter.

Poor Teen Angel is my victim when I drag out the camera to practice things like aperture and shutter speed. She’s a pretty good sport about it as long as I don’t push my luck too much. She posed for me Friday evening while I toyed with light and shadows. And while I have plenty of pictures of her smiling, it’s the more somber photos that intrigue me because they make me wonder what’s she’s thinking.

Is she mad at her boyfriend again? (And can I just pause a moment to say he’s been a royal T-U-R-D?!) Is she thinking about the year ahead with all the joys and emotions the senior year brings? Or is she looking even farther into the future, and thinking about college and careers?

I don’t know. Emotionally, she’s mature beyond her years because of some of the things she’s had to deal with in recent years like the drowning of her cousin and the suicide of her aunt. In some ways she seems more than ready to skip this last year of high school and move right into the freedoms and responsibilities of college. In other ways, she seems like such a kid, like when she belches the alphabet with pride and gusto. I’m not sure what she’s thinking, but I know what I think when I look at her. She’s growing up fast. In a short time her dad and I will be loading her belongings into a car and driving her to college. We’ll wave goodbye and drive home with our hearts in our throats and hope for the best. We’ll watch from afar as she dives into adulthood and starts to make her mark on the world. She’s a good girl. I’m proud of the woman she’s becoming, and there are days when she makes me believe that her dad and I aren’t complete failures at parenting. I can’t wait to see what she does with her life. Right now though, in this hour, I have to enjoy every fleeting moment and will the earth to slow just a little so I can savor these days. I hope she’s thinking the same thing.


Jason, as himself said...

Maybe she's bothered that you made her sit on railroad tracks. :)

I worry so much for my daughter that is Teen Angel's age. She is such a great girl, but, yikes.

Janis said...

Those are great photos...TA is so patient and a good subject! Time does go by lightning fast as you get older...just savor every moment in each and every day!

A New England Life said...

I know exactly what you mean about the reflective part. Yesterday my daughter pulled out one of the photo albums from when she and her sister were little. I couldn't help but wonder, 'did we really do all that stuff? Were we really that close?' Now they have their own agenda, and it hurts.

My husband and I can't stand the boyfriend. He's a lazy slug with a foul mouth. I constantly worry he's taking advantage of my girl.

It's an up and down road right now. I feel old one day, young the next. We've just got to keep hanging on!

Trailboss said...

So TA's boyfriend is a TURD too? Thank goodness my girl is getting past the turd that dumped her. I know what you mean about time going too fast. I had a similar awakening just before I turned 50. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling the way I was. Why I was looking at things so differently, until I talked to my older brother. Then he told me it is a process that most people get through as they get older. It's just another phase of living.

Your baby is a beauty. I love the pictures.

Bro. Dave said...

As the Great Philosopher once said, "Fly fast, live slow."

The Girl Next Door said...

Live the Moment - so hard when they are growing so fast. I hate to tell you, but that summer of taking her to college will be here way too fast. And be thankful she lets you take such gorgeous photos of her. I had to tie Daughter down or promise her the moon or threaten to take the keys just to get simple prom photos!!!