In the Swim

Dear Mr. Swimsuit Manufacturer,

Let me be frank. WHAT THE SMELL WERE YOU THINKIN’ WHEN YOU PUT TOGETHER THIS YEAR’S SWIMSUIT LINES?!! After spending several hours wandering from store to store in search of a decent bathing suit I am inclined to file an EEOC complaint against your company for having an all male staff because no woman would have designed the suits you have given me to choose from this year. If I am to appear in public near a body of water this summer in something other than a hoodie and capris I am going to need a few more choices. Let me explain why.

Everything I see is made for a seventeen year old girl with size 2 hips and no childbirth badges. As a 40-something woman I need something in between hoochie mama and senior citizen. I’m not ready for something flowery that stretches to my knees, but I certainly can’t tuck myself into those slingshots you call a maximum coverage bikini. Honestly, I could slap on two Post It notes and a piece of duct tape and cover up more than most of those suits I tried on recently. Can’t you put together something that covers my backside and pulls up the girls without making me look matronly? I need something that covers a few bumps on the rump and a stretch mark or two. I plan to do more than sit and pose with a martini in this suit, so make it big enough that I don’t want to spend a lot of time digging and tugging between my cheeks, if ya’ know what I mean. A little support would be nice, and can we once and for all get rid of the low rider look? That doesn’t work for anyone, even the teenagers. I’ve seen a lot of young girls whose junk was hanging out of the truck, and they could have used a little more lid.

Keep in mind all women are hiding flaws. We are imperfect people who cannot possibly squeeze into your idea poolside sexy. And it makes us feel insecure about our bodies when you ask us to try. So I’m begging you..for the love of all things summer…please go back to the drawing board and whip up something appropriate for a Hula Girl who hasn’t lost her swing but doesn’t want to let it all hang out when hanging out.

Sincerely,
Hula Girl