Bottom of The Bag

The bottom of my purse never ceases to amaze me. I go digging around in there at least three times a day and take my life into my own hands each time. The mixture of stuff that accumulates in there is an amazing array of animal, mineral and protein. I’m not even sure how most of it gets in there. For an accessory that is designed to hold money and essential papers it sure does contain a lot of crap.

Here’s a small sample of what I found in there today: A half eaten roll of SweeTarts, nasal spray, stinky lotion from a Tennessee hotel, an empty tube of hand sanitizer that came from a goody bag at a charity event, a blue bead of unknown origin, five old sticky cough drops, an empty Dramamine bottle and twelve old receipts. Also, three kinds of sinus medication, a pair of gold earrings in a jewelry box and an appointment book I’ve never used. We won’t discuss the thirteen packets of Sweet ‘N Low or random orange flavored Tic Tacs rolling around in the bottom.

This is a good day. I’ve pulled all kinds of stuff out of there before, especially when Teen Angel was younger. I’ve reached in and found baby food, toys, teethers, dog collars, half eaten suckers, Cheerios and at least one stale Circus Peanut. Peer into a mother’s purse and you can likely guess exactly how old her children are. I can’t blame the Circus Peanut on her, though, I found that in there just a couple of months ago. I ate it, too. I’m sorry.

My mother in law used to carry the queen mother of all purses. She should have been on Let’s Make A Deal. No matter what you needed, she had it. You could be in the middle of a dessert and need an ice cube, and she’d have at least six in the bottom of her pocketbook. When they’ll hold five pounds or more of stuff they are no longer a purse. They are a pocketbook. Pocketbooks are usually black and carried by women over fifty years old. It usually contains at least one plastic rain bonnet and two tubes of Mocha Berry lipstick. Mama J. had to give up the big purse when she started using a walker. She now carries a much smaller purse that won’t topple off the seat of her walker when she’s moving. She misses the pocketbook. I can tell.

I think girls are groomed at a very early age to carry a purse. We become attached to them very quickly and get separation anxiety if we’re away from them too long. On the rare occasion I roll without a purse, I feel empty handed, like I’ve forgotten something. It goes with me everywhere and becomes a vessel for anything my family doesn’t want to hold. Then I go for months without cleaning it out. I’m not alone on this, though. At a wedding shower one time we played “Dump Your Purse”. You got a point for each of the items on the host’s list that you had in your purse. One woman had all 22 items, including the duct tape and screwdriver. It’s amazing what a woman’s purse contains. It’s amazing what my purse contain on any given day. It’s a shame it doesn’t contain any money.