Zip It

*Hick Language Alert-Two such phrases will be used in today's post. Their definitions are as follows:

1. "Pull a good one"-To do something stupid that causes yourself great embarrassment.

2. "Poop or Get Off The Pot"-Said when you want someone to hurry up and make a decision.

I am forty three years old, and I still don't know when to shut up. When you're born with the sarcasm gene, it refuses to lay low and keep quiet. It bubbles up and spills stuff out of your mouth that if often inappropriate or embarrassing. At least three times a day I say something that causes me to slap my hand over my mouth and wonder if I really said what I said. Like earlier this week when I was sitting in a church meeting and someone mentioned an upcoming dance involving young children. Someone jokingly asked what band they were going to have. Before I knew it, I blurted out the name of a local band that's played at every cigarette laced, whiskey soaked bar and dance around here for the last thirty years. Thankfully, not everyone heard me because as the preacher (who did hear me) said, that was just wrong. I swear, I couldn't stop myself. I wasn't done, though.

I pulled a good one yesterday when Teen Angel and I went shopping. The 40% off sale at one store lulled us into thinking that swimsuit shopping for each of us at the same time might not be TOO miserable, so I picked her up after school and headed to the local mall. Now, you should know that even though roughly 60,000 people live in my county, it is a VERY small area. Everybody knows everybody. I frequently forget that. As we circled the busy parking lot I spied a parking space and was going to slide in when I saw that a van was eyeing it too. The van's driver paused, inched forward, stopped again and finally pulled toward the space. I drove on past and circled around to another spot opposite that one. As I pulled in, the van was pulling through her empty spot into mine. I stopped. She stopped. I backed up and headed back around to pull into the ORIGINAL spot. "Gee whiz, lady! Make up your mind. Poop or get off the pot!!," I hollered to no one in particular. And yes, I did clean that up a smidgen in order to keep this site family friendly. When I finally got parked, I looked at the van's driver's who was getting out of her vehicle and said to Teen Angel, "Oh my God. That is Mrs. ***** from church." Teen Angel's mouth dropped about four inches, and I felt like crawling into the floorboard. This lady is an old family friend, and we just love her. Fortunately, Mrs. **** didn't see me and didn't hear what I said, so I turned to Teen Angel and said, "See, that's what happens when you yell at people you don't know. Don't do what I did. It's bad, very bad." Her response? Lots of laughter and the ol' "Wait til' I tell Dad". I felt three inches tall for the rest of the day. Why oh why, can I just not keep my mouth shut, I wondered.

After forty three years, I can't blame it on anything but me and my lack of trying hard enough. So, I am going to make a better effort...really....I swear. It's time for me to poop or get off the pot.