Bra Humbug

Mama J. loves laundry. In Marie Barone like manner, she worships at the Maytag alter several times a day, doing one load after another. In her house, underwear can’t mingle with towels, socks can’t mix with jeans and so on and so on. There is no diversity in her laundry room, causing her to wash multiple loads consisting of three or four items. I, on the other hand, stuff my machine full, hit the cold button, say a couple of Hail Mary’s and pray that nothing bleeds onto anything else. I like to live on the edge, you know. I also have a lot of pink panties. Now that Hubby is retired and Teen Angel needed extra chores in order to get a cost of living raise in her allowance, they do most of the laundry while I’m at work, and that’s just fine with me. There’s nothing I like better than walking in the back door and hearing the hum of a dryer full of freshly washed drawers. (That’s underwear to you non-rednecks.)

Mama J. is even more obsessive about ironing. When her children were young she ironed their play clothes. (Insert your favorite expletive here.) She even ironed her sheets until we shamed her into stopping that. Although, I still think she does it on the sly and fibs to us about it.

Over the years, she has tried to improve my attitude toward laundry. She has washed things for me to show me how it’s done. She’s recommended new types of stain remover, and she’s bought me some washing aids. These have included softener dispensers, those balls that bounce around in the dryer making a lot of noise, the thing you put ball caps in so you can wash them in the dishwasher…and now this.

A Bra BABY™. Apparently, she thinks our underwear might be in danger of deterioration in the spin cycle. She might be right. Notice how the box looks like a little washing machine? Now, even though I don’t give a flip about this kind of thing, I learned a long time ago to just accept it, try it once to make her happy, and eventually, it will go away, and I can go back to being a slouchy housekeeper. That’s what I’m doing with the Bra BABY™. Teen Angel and I gave it a whirl last night, and we had such a good time, I thought I’d share the instructions with you. Straps up, ladies! Men, follow along so that you can toss something about the Bra BABY™ into casual conversation with your wife or female friends, and they will think you care about their feminine needs. Be forewarned, you may be asked to buy tampons later.

This is what it looks like out of the box. I immediately looked around for a whiffle ball bat.

You’re supposed to open up the outer shell and take out the little shell inside. Like this.

At this point, you should pick up the shell, place it on your chest and dance around singing “Brickhouse”. Laugh at your cleverness. You can also place it on your head and pretend to be Mickey Mouse. Congratulate yourself on how funny you are. If you are a teenager, stop at this point and check your MySpace page because it’s already been at least two minutes since you checked it and HE might have sent you a message.

Here’s where it gets complicated. Hook the back of the bra together and place each cup around the ends of the inner shell. Then tuck the straps inside the inner shell and put the outer shell around the inner shell and close it. Huh? Or just shove it in and it will look like this.

Although it reminds me of this.

You’re all set, but there are some very specific instructions for the washing stage. Whew! It was at this point I wished I had mixed a margarita before I started. Have I mentioned the new tangerine grapefruit margaritas at Oh Charley’s are delish? Back to the bra thingy. You should always put the BraBABY™ in the washing machine before adding the rest of the load. It is intended for washing one bra at a time. Well, that’s fine because I usually only have one or two that are serviceable at any given time. You should not exceed three bra thingy’s per load. Caution when removing it from the dryer. It may be hot! And finally, the BraBABY™ is not recommended for padded D cup bras. Hello! If you’re a D cup, do you really need padding? Those of us with less than a D cup would argue a big fat NO! And if you are at least a D cup then keep it to yourself.

I’m sure this device is helpful to the ladies who are particular about their bras..and their laundry, but it seems like an awful lot of trouble to me. More trouble than I want to spend on washing my underwear. It will likely get more use on Teen Angel’s head. Whiffle ball anyone?